


The Twelve Labours of Wong Yukhei

by lunalius



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Greek Religion & Lore Fusion, Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst is mild tbh, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Death, Animal Sacrifice, Drug Use, Explicit references to male genitalia, Hercules!Yukhei, Historical Accuracy, Just lots of explicit references to sex, M/M, No Smut, Oracle!Xiaojun, Period-Typical Sexism, Strangers to Lovers, kinddddddd of, liberties were taken rip, references to death, references to slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:40:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23181883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunalius/pseuds/lunalius
Summary: Wong Yukhei, hero of Thebes, committed one Questionable Act, as many a young hero often did. Most heroes, however, didn't have an all-powerful evil step-mother hoping to turn his story into a tragedy at every opportunity.
Relationships: Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 102
Kudos: 188
Collections: 99' ft 00' fic fest





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> #FT369.
> 
>  **WARNING:** This fic does touch on a few sensitive subjects.
> 
> 1) Animal death and cruelty. I have tried to limit this to monsters, sacrifices and meat. Please be wary if this is upsetting to you.  
> 2) Brief references to slaves and slavery. Slavery in Mycenaean Greece did not involve anyone from the African continent and was not racially motivated; rather, slaves were sourced from their local region, often the losers of a war. It was an unfortunate fact of life at the time. I personally find slavery abhorrent, but the characters in this story do not.  
> 3) Takes place in a heavily patriarchal society with little to no regard for women. While the characters in this fic don't hate women, and consider some to be very close to them, they still take part in this oppressive patriarchy. I have tried to leave constant reminders that men ain't shit.  
> 4) Very brief instance of drug use.
> 
> Greco-Roman history is a pet passion of mine, but as I started writing it, I realised my weird references might not be immediately accessible to whoever's reading it. I've explained everything in footnotes at the bottom, for you to read as you go or read all at once at the end of each chapter. I am _not_ a qualified historian, so please don't consider any of these to be absolute fact. History has a lot of unknowns, and there is nothing we know for sure.
> 
> Other than that, this entire story is just a long string of shitposts. To the prompter: If this isn't what you wanted, then I am So Fucking Sorry.

“Do you know why you’re here?” a voice boomed across the temple, echoing around the walls in such a way that Yukhei couldn’t tell where it was coming from.

And no, Yukhei had no clue why he was here, tied to a chair that manifested out of thin air and forced itself on him, after showing up at the Heraion in Perachora _[_ _1_ _]_ like Hermes had asked him to. Usually, his visits with the gods were pleasant — in fact, he just had lunch with his dad Zeus last week! It was so much fun.

“Well?”

“No, ma’am,” he replied finally. The voice sounded female. He bet it was Hera — gods, Hera was a stick in the mud. It’s not Yukhei’s fault he was a bastard child. His dad just had a lot of love to give! Nothing wrong with that! Boys will be boys!

“Is that so?” The voice clicked it’s tongue, and that was _definitely_ Hera. “Then what about last week when you had lunch with my husband? What about then?”

“…What about then?”

“What did you eat?”

“Oh!” Yukhei’s eyes widened. He was always ready to talk about food. “It was amazing! Dad came back from somewhere in the east with this new grain… I think it’s called rice? Gods, it was so good—”

“Exactly!” A different voice cried out, and an apparition poofed into view two feet in front of him, making Yukhei nearly fall back in his chair. Demeter had her hands on her hips, and she looked _mad_. “You ate a grain from _outside_ Hellas, which I have no jurisdiction over!” _[_ _2_ _]_ _[_ _3_ _]_

“Uh.”

Another figure materialised in front of him — the dreaded Hera. “Surely you’re aware that eating non-Hellenic grains is unpatriotic? And as a demigod and as hero of Thebes, you’re supposed to be setting an example, are you not?”

Yukhei cocked his head. “Uh.”

More gods poofed in, one by one, murmuring expressions of agreement. At the very end, Zeus, covering his eyes with his hands in a classic ‘I’m pretending to not know you’ gesture that he usually does when he’s in trouble with Hera.

“Eating non-Hellenic grains is definitely unpatriotic,” Ares said.

Athena nodded. “Barbaric.”

“Imagine choosing rice over staying loyal to your people,” Artemis added.

“My _husband_ might think it’s okay to hit on Japanese gods and eat their exotic grains,” Hera sniffed, “But you, a human, are supposed to be above him.”

And there it was — Yukhei was being punished because his dad slept with someone again. It happened to at least five other demigods, it happened to his great-grandad Perseus, and now it’s his turn. Cool. Great.

“What was her name?” Yukhei asked Zeus.

“Amaterasu,” _[4_ _]_ Zeus murmured weakly.

“Was she worth it?”

“Absolutely — not!” Zeus quickly corrected, when his wife glared in his direction.

Yukhei started listing out everyone he’d ever heard of and any proximity they might have to known monsters in his head. “Okay, so you want me to kill the Minotaur?”

Silence. Almost all of the gods looked at him with pity, which scared Yukhei. Usually they were pretty callous about how they punished mortals — not that Yukhei would know for sure. He could only really tell from lunches with his dad.

“Son,” Zeus called. Yukhei noted his father wouldn’t quite meet his eye. “You know I love you, right?”

Yukhei raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Out of all my living mortal sons, you’re the only one I spend time with. You know I care about you, don’t you?”

“I… do.”

“So trust me when I say my wife has your punishment covered.”

Oh.

Oh shit.

After everything Hera had every put him through… the snakes that tried to kill him as a baby, the lyre tutor he killed because of his dumb superhuman strength he got from drinking Hera’s breastmilk, his divorce. All this constant harassment does is cause more frustration to the both of them. You’d think at some point, she’d know when to give up.

Yukhei tried to ignore the chorus of “yikes” coming from across the board, settling instead on focusing on Hera and her evil smile. He wasn’t sure if it was sacrilege to think a goddess’ smile was evil, but she’d fucked with him enough already. Besides, she was his step-mother! That was basically the number one rule of step-mothering: have an evil smile.

“Alright,” he asked, bravely, confidently, suavely as he could despite wanting to pee his perizoma. He was glad he even wore a perizoma _[_ _5_ _]_ at all. Most people just went to the gym naked, but most people also had glorious petite penises _[_ _6_ _]_ straight out of a bronze statue _[_ _7_ _]_. Yukhei was very insecure about his large, bulbous dick. But perhaps he was right to be insecure if his perizoma was going to catch his urine before it trickled onto the marble floor; no god could help him if he peed in Hera’s temple, truly. “What do I have to do, then?”

“Ten tasks,” Hera boomed. Which immediately struck Yukhei as overkill. He knew Hera hated him, but come on! “Ten extremely difficult tasks that you have to complete. Once you’ve done so adequately, you will have atoned for your crimes.”

More like Zeus’ crimes, but okay.

“Fine,” Yukhei sighed. “I accept. Do I get help?”

“You’re allowed one companion to work as a messenger between you and us. Apollo has kindly volunteered one of his new young oracles-in-training, who you will meet at his temple in Orchomenus once we’re done.”

“Orchomenus?” Yukhei groaned. “That’s right next to Thebes! What’d you make me come all the way to Corinth for?” _[_ _8_ _]_

“You have a chariot.”

“And once you get to Orchomenus, the oracle will drive your chariot for you,” Zeus added. He glared at Apollo, “Yes?”

Apollo rolled his eyes. “That’s not my oracle’s job, but sure.”

Yukhei adjusted himself in his seat as much as his rope bounds would let him. “I get a chauffeur? Sick.”

“You will treat the oracle with respect,” Apollo boomed, his voice doing that echo thing again that hurt Yukhei’s brain.

“Fuck,” he groaned. “Okay, okay! I’ll treat her with respect!”

“The oracle will tell you where you need to go, and will be updating us on your progress,” Hera continued. “Once you complete a task, I will set you another one.”

“Can I at least have, like, a summary? So I know what to prepare for?”

“No.”

“Just checking!”

“You’ll be fine!” Zeus grinned, although the grin didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I hope.”

“I hope not,” Demeter scoffed. “Rice-eater.”

Yukhei felt the ropes around his body loosen and unravel. He finally stood up on his own two feet, as a man should; felt the blood rushing down from his thighs to his Air Wong-clad feet. It suddenly hit him that he didn’t hate being tied up as much as he thought he would, and then promptly pushed the thought away. That was a discussion for his next brunch with Dionysus, he decided. “Am I dismissed?”

“You are dismissed,” Hera said. “The oracle will tell you your first task.”

“Sick.” Yukhei bowed to all of the gods individually, making sure to bow lowest for Hera and Demeter. When he got to Zeus, he shot him a finger gun. “I’ll hear from you.”

“Good luck, sweetie!” Zeus called, as Yukhei turned to leave the temple. A quick double take revealed he couldn’t see them anymore. “Knock ‘em dead! I believe in you!”

Knock ‘em dead indeed, Yukhei thought bitterly. Not if he got knocked dead first.

* * * * *

Since Yukhei was expecting some time to mingle with the local youths and gals and non-binary pals in the local village or nearby Argos, he didn’t exactly bring a chariot that would last him a swift journey back to Boeotia. The least the gods could have done was loaned him Pegasus or something to fly him over, but the gods didn’t do that so their dumb tasks had to wait.

Still, Yukhei was a mostly good boy, and he understood when he didn’t have time for a wine and a bath. Making it back to Boeotia by dawn — when he had left Perachora at dawn the previous day — was good time in his books, considering his horses were fed. His wheels were fucked, but he could only ask for so much as a mere mortal.

Orchomenus would be a great city if Yukhei wasn’t from Thebes. Yeah, they kept boasting about that massive tholos _[_ _9_ _]_ just outside the palace, but what’s the point in it? From the outside, it’s just a massive mound with a door in it. The real riches were inside, but unless Yukhei was that kind of scoundrel — which he wasn’t — he had no reason to be interested.

His destination wasn’t the palace or the tholos, anyway. The temple of Apollo, he noted, was not as big as it was in Thebes, but big enough for an oracle, he supposed. (He briefly considered the fact that Thebes didn’t even have an oracle, because after decades of bad omens and kings ignoring bad omens and then complaining when bad things happen, he supposed Apollo gave up. But whatever, Thebes had more culture.)

“Excuse me,” Yukhei asked a girl carrying offerings towards the altar, “Where might I find the Oracle around here?” 

The girl’s annoyed expression morphed from annoyance to shock as soon as she registered Yukhei’s face. “Oh my god! It’s Heracles!”

Yukhei resisted the urge to roll his eyes. ‘Heracles’ had become his title of sorts, however inappropriate. _[_ _10_ _]_ He knew for a fact that he was less ‘glory of Hera’ and more ‘pain in Hera’s ass’, but he’d stopped trying to correct people long ago. He much preferred if people just called him Wong Yukhei. It was better for selling sandals.

“Yes, hello.” Yukhei flashed her his best heartthrob-y smoulder. “May I see the Oracle? It’s kind of urgent.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I can do that. The Oracle is summons only… I’m sure you know how it is.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What about you, though? Are you free right now?”

“Wong Yukhei!” A woman appeared in front of one of the side doors, sporting a feathered headdress _[_ _11_ _]_ . Only a priestess would wear a hat like that _[_ _12_ _]_. “We’ve been expecting you.”

“Yes! You have been! Of course you have!” Yukhei made some vaguely apologetic gestures at the young girl and, pretending he didn’t hear the “Call me!”, rushed over to where the priestess stood. “I am here! Like you’ve been expecting.”

“Fantastic.” Yukhei felt the priestess’ icy gaze on his midsection. “Is this your usual temple fare?”

Yukhei flushed. “I had to leave the gym in a rush. Sorry.”

“I suppose these are irregular circumstances.” She turned around, ruffles flapping with the movement _[_ _13_ _]_. “Follow me.”

Yukhei followed the priestess through a series of overly-complicated corridors — which, honestly, he really did think there was such a thing as over-designing, fucking Daedalus _[_ _14_ _]_ — until they reached a fully marble, gold-lit room, a single laurel tree _[_ _15_ _]_ sprouting from a patch of soil in the middle.

“These are the Oracle’s living quarters,” the priestess whispered.

“Crikey,” Yukhei whispered back. “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m ready to mingle.”

Before the priestess could hiss or unleash the dogs at him or whatever, a purple veil floated into view at the back of the room, seemingly come out of nowhere. This is what happened when you put too many women in a room! They taught themselves sorcery! _[_ _16_ _]_

But just as Yukhei was about to pull out a dagger from his perizoma — it had been stabbing into his buttock painfully for over 48 hours — he noticed the veil had legs. And a face. And a full body.

It wasn’t sorcery after all! Yukhei sent a silent prayer to Apollo for forgiveness.

“WONG YUK/HEI,” the purple woman said. Damn, that really was a _lot_ of purple. She must’ve been loaded. “It’s an/ HONour to/ MEET YOU.”

“The honour is mine, uh —”

“She’s the oracle,” the priestess whispered.

“— Madam Oracle Miss.”

“YOU must have/ TRAVelled a/ LONG WAY./ PLEASE, have some/ WINE. Or some/ FRESH PEARS./”

“Why is she speaking like that?” Yukhei whispered.

“Dactylic hexameter,” the priestess replied. “Apparently it’s going to catch on in a few centuries.” _[_ _17_ _]_

Yukhei did love a good dactylic hexameter. “Thanks but no thanks, ma’am. I think we have business to attend to.”

“WE DO,/ IN fact, have/ BUSiness.” The Oracle gestured around the room. “I’m/ AFRAID/ I have no/ SEATS, HERE./”

“That’s cool, I can stand.” It was definitely cool. At least in his chariot he could remove his dagger and keep it next to him, but if he sat down here it would probably poke straight up his butthole.

Although it was sheathed, so how bad could it really be…

“PHOEbus A/POLLo has/ TOLD ME/ YOU are in/ NEED of an/ ESCORT./”

Escort was kind of a weird word to use, but okay.

“HOWever,/ I am too/ BUsy to/ JOIN YOU./ SINCE, as you/ MIGHT BE/

AWARE,/ THEBES doesn’t/ HAVE any/ ORacles,/ SO THE/ BURDEN/

FALLS unto/ MY shoulders/ ALONE./ THUS, I pre/SENT you my/apPRENTice.”

“Think you got it wrong on that last foot.”

The Oracle blinked. “What?”

“You said apPRENTice. But dactylic hexameter has two syllables in the last foot, and even if you wanted to bend the rules, it starts with a short syllable so you’ve kind of ruined the rhythm—”

“YOU are in/ A RUSH,/ ARE you not?/“

Yukhei stood at attention. “Yes, ma’am.”

“MOVING/ ON, I pre/SENT you my/ APPrentice,/” she emphasised, making Yukhei wince. The word apprentice did _not_ roll off the tongue that way. “XIAO De Jun./ COME HERE./”

Just as Yukhei was about to ponder how unnecessarily dramatic this all was, out a stray doorway walked Orchomenus’ Next Top Model Brows McGee, daggers-edge jawline, perfect fucking nose, eyes that could probably pierce right through Yukhei’s skull.

Hurt me, Yukhei thought desperately.

Xiao De Jun the Oracle walked right up to Yukhei — his arms were so short and his legs were so short and his torso was so short but his head was so big, like a battering ram, and _why_ did Yukhei keep comparing things he found attractive to weaponry? He needed a night alone to think on it.

“You look underdressed,” the apprentice said. Voice like a conch horn.

“Do oracles even come in male?” Yukhei replied dumbly.

Xiao De Jun looked surprised, before his face regained composure. “Gender doesn’t matter to the Lord Apollo.” _[_ _18_ _]_

Doesn’t matter to me either, Yukhei replied in his head, cowardly.

“DE Jun will/ BE YOUR/ GUIDE for your/ JOURney,” the Actual Oracle boomed. Yukhei was starting to get annoyed with how shitty her intonation was. “The/ GODS can speak/ THROUGH HIM./“

“I’ll be reporting everything you do to them, so you don’t cheat and stuff.” De Jun picked at his nails. “Unless you want to be sent straight to Tartarus or something. Wouldn’t put it past Hera, she _hates_ you.”

“She HATES you,/“ the Oracle repeated.

Yet again, not dactylic hexameter.

“So what, do we get going now?” Yukhei asked, kicking his Air Wongs against the marble. “Time is of the essence?”

“DE Jun can/ SHOW you the/ STABles, so/ YOU can be/ ON your way/ ASAP./“

ASAP.

Really.

“Cool. Okay. Is that it? Do I get a prophecy, or…?”

The Oracle rubbed her chin in thought. “YOU’LL either/ LIVE as a/ HERo, or/ DIE as a/ COWARD./”

Generic everyday prophecy. She didn’t even consult the laurels. “Sweet. Thanks a lot, for that. Real helpful.”

“YOU ARE/ WELCOME./“

“Shall we get going?” De Jun snapped his fingers.

Yukhei bid a respectful goodbye to the Oracle and the priestess before following Mr Obsidian Mach 3 Turbo Razor _[_ _19_ _]_ through another complicated series of corridors. “So, how come you don’t speak in dactylic hexameter too?” Yukhei asked, hoping to build to some non-platonic conversation.

“I’m only training,” De Jun replied curtly.

“I see, I see. So you get to speak like a normal person? Do you get to live like a normal person, too?”

De Jun turned around and gave him an incredulous look. “And what exactly does a normal person do?”

“You know… go to the agora, discuss advantages and disadvantages of the monarchy with a nice elderly man,” _[_ _20_ _]_ — Yukhei noted the downward twist on De Jun’s mouth — “Or a nice hetaira! _[2_ _1]_ Just guy things, ya know.” _[_ _22_ _]_

De Jun’s face had twisted into something more incredulous. “You think normal people get laid all the time?”

Yukhei tried very hard to restrain his left pec from bouncing. It was his biggest tell that he was lying. “Yeah. I do it all the time.”

De Jun scoffed beautifully. “I’m in training to be an _oracle_. Do you understand what that means?”

“Uh…”

“Of course you don’t, since Thebes gets into so much trouble, even Apollo abandoned you.”

“Hey! Just because that’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it.”

“Oracles are married only to the gods, and to the prophecy,” De Jun continued. “Which means I’m not allowed to date.”

Oh.

Aha.

“Lame,” Yukhei said instead, hoping it didn’t sound absolutely devastated.

“I’m perfectly fine with it. It means you can chat me up all you want, and I don’t ever have to give in to you.”

Evil, evil seducer with evil seductive teeth. God, what nice teeth he had. “That was platonic chatting,” Yukhei muttered weakly.

“Sure it was.”

They arrived at an impressive looking chariot bay, very Battle of Kadesh. _[_ _23_ _]_ They were _definitely_ more impressive than his gym chariot, which he traded five olives for. _[_ _24_ _]_ De Jun led him to a beautiful bronze and cow hide vehicle, wide enough to camp in, led by two equally beautiful night black horses that kind of looked like the Oracle-in-training themselves. There were some temple attendants packing what Yukhei really hoped were casks of wine and protein shakes, but was probably, like, water.

“So where are we off to?” Yukhei asked.

“Not sure.”

“Ah. Where’s Not Sure? I’ve never heard of that town.”

De Jun accepted an apple from an attendant and fed it to one of the horses, and Yukhei allowed himself to bask in the unimaginable for a while. He was pretty sure ogling a would-be-Oracle was worse sacrilege than eating rice, but Aphrodite would understand, right?

“No,” De Jun sighed, “I mean, I don’t know. Your first task is to slay the Great Lion, but we have to find it first.”

Yukhei Air Wong Wheelied out of his fantasy. “We have to _find_ it?”

“Yep.”

“How am I supposed to—?” Yukhei spluttered. “There are so many lions! Which one is the Great Lion? Aren’t you supposed to tell me where to go? Isn’t that what your job is?”

“My job is to supervise and tell you what the gods told me to tell you. And the gods told me to tell you that your first task is to slay the Great Lion.”

‘Evil, _evil_ seducer,’ Yukhei thought viciously. ‘All you’re good for is standing there and tempting me into sin. Yes, I hope you can hear me, asshole.’

“Look,” De Jun said, and Yukhei panicked briefly at the idea that the Oracle-in-training might actually be able to read his mind. “I want to be here as much as you do.”

“Which is not a lot,” Yukhei pointed out.

“Exactly.” De Jun crossed his (very toned) arms. “I’m supposed to be giving out prophecies, not babysitting rice-eating demigods. I don’t want to do this, and neither do you. So if you could just, maybe, not mess anything up so we can get this done smoothly and get home as fast as possible? That would be great.”

A reasonable request, Yukhei thought. “That would be great.” He held a hand out, “Shake on it?”

“I don’t know where that hand has been.”

“Okay! No shaking! Good talk.”

* * * * *

This story takes place in roughly 1,300-1,200 BCE during the late Helladic period of Mycenaean Greece. I have tried to keep things as accurate to this period as possible, but because very little literature exists from that period, I’ve taken a fair amount from Archaic and Classical Greece as well as some general creative liberties.

I should also note that the Mycenaeans didn’t worship the gods we typically associate with Greece, as I make them in this story. There are many theories that link a transition from known Mycenaean gods into something more recognisable, but we don’t know if the Greeks considered it the same religion.

Footnotes:

  1. There are no significant religious structures in Mycenaean Greece. The Heraion of Perachora didn’t exist before approx. 900 BCE. Euripedes references it as the place Medea buried her murdered children. The events of Euripedes’ _Medea_ would have taken place during Heracles’ lifetime.
  2. We don’t know if this is a notion that existed in Mycenaean Greece (it had to come from somewhere) but the Classical Greeks, especially Athenians, had a very specific set of requirements in order to be considered “civilised”. One of these was not eating eastern/oriental grains. This was worked into all their retellings of mythology, including the pre-Classical Iliad and Odyssey.
  3. “Barbarian” was considered the opposite of “civilised”, but “civilised” was usually just a synonym for “Greek”, or “from Hellas” (what the Greeks called Greece today) and “barbarian” was just “not from Hellas and has weird customs”. The Greeks had a massive superiority complex.
  4. Amaterasu is the Japanese goddess of the sun and the universe, and one of the most important deities in Shinto religion. The Japanese imperial family are considered her descendants.
  5. A perizoma is a loincloth that was occasionally worn as an undergarment, dating from the Minoan period (approx. 2,700–1,100 BCE). You often see Jesus depicted wearing one in paintings of his crucifixion. Yukhei is wearing this and only this.
  6. Classical Greeks, and potentially even Greeks from earlier periods, considered small penises to be peak male beauty. The smaller the penis, the more cultured and civilised the man. Large penises were sported by fools in Greek comedies, savage Satyrs, and Egyptians.
  7. The marble statues you see are often Roman remakes of original Greek bronze statues!
  8. Orchomenus was one of the rival cities to Thebes since way back in the Helladic period. Both exist in the general geographic region Boeotia, but Boeotia as a unified administrative region didn’t exist till 500-600 BCE.
  9. A tholos is a type of tomb found in Mycenaean times, shaped like a beehive and built underground. Orchomenus has the largest one modern archaeologists have been able to find, built in roughly 1,250 BCE. It was considered a famous landmark as far back as approx. 150-180 AD.
  10. Heracles’ original name was actually Alcides! It was changed to Heracles, which means ‘glory of Hera’, to appease the goddess.
  11. Mycenaean villages usually had high priestesses, who had a lot of influence in the running of the land and how the people are looked after. There’s some speculation that she may have even served as a monarch. We don’t know much about the hierarchy of priesthood within the Mycenaean religious system, so I’m borrowing a little from Classical Greece here. Classical Greece usually had a set of senior priests that were served by younger priests-in-training. Priests of Apollo in particular were always female, but gender is a social construct and I do what I want.
  12. Mycenaean priestesses really did wear headdresses like that.
  13. There aren’t a lot of depictions of women in Mycenaean art — in fact, many frescos from this time only exist in fragments — but archaeologists believe those of higher status, such as priestesses, wore ruffled bell skirts similar to that of high-status Minoan women. They also had their tiddies out.
  14. Daedalus was a famed mythical craftsman, artist and architect who was responsible for building the maze that housed the Minotaur at Crete.
  15. The laurel tree is sacred to Apollo, and the Oracle at Delphi supposedly got her prophecies from either chewing on its leaves or shaking a laurel branch. There’s no evidence that oracles existed in the Mycenaean era except for an excerpt from Herodotus’ _Histories_ ; however, Herodotus had a reputation for making shit up.
  16. Greeks of all eras mad misogynistic (although the Mycenaeans considerably less so than the Classical Greeks). Yukhei himself is not that bad but we can’t give him too much credit — he’s a man.
  17. Herodotus and various Roman historians, some of whom may have witnessed the Delphic Oracle themselves, claimed that she spoke in dactylic hexameter. This is also the meter used in Greco-Roman epic poetry (anything by Homer, Virgil, etc.) There are plenty of videos online explaining what dactylic hexameter looks like! My attempts at this meter are Not Very Good.
  18. There’s no proof of a male Oracle ever existing so it’s more than likely all Oracles were female, but Apollo was bi as hell.
  19. Razors in Bronze Age Greece were made of bronze or, more expensively, obsidian. We don’t know for sure whether Mycenaean men preferred a clean shaven look the way Minoans of the same era did. Evidence suggests otherwise.
  20. Pederasty was common practice throughout Classical Greece, having come into prominence in the 6th century BCE. There’s no evidence of it having been practiced in Mycenaean Greece.
  21. A hetaira was a high class Greek prostitute, again, more of a feature of Classical Athens than Mycenaean times. She was paid for companionship and conversation as well as sex.
  22. All of these were popular activities for men in Classical Athens, but definitely not in Mycenaean Greece.
  23. The Battle of Kadesh took place in 1274 BCE between the Egyptians and the Hittites, and was known as the greatest chariot battle of all time.
  24. The Mycenaean economy functioned on trade and barter; they did not have money.




	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #1: Slaying the Nemean Lion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains animal violence.

Yukhei hated that they were heading back towards fucking Argos after his crazy record-breaking run all the way back to Boeotia. (Someone should make a chariot race in his honour, truly. He was a demigod, he would be important enough eventually.) De Jun had had a _feeling_ , and that feeling was apparently leading them towards this Great Lion that was waiting around somewhere to be slain. Yukhei had a feeling he wanted to head the opposite way towards Delphi to find a real Oracle.

“I hope you know that I see much longer, much more strenuous travels in your future,” De Jun said, after Yukhei’s seventh whinge of the hour. “This is nothing.”

“But I just _came_ from Argos!” Yukhei cried. “And you’re going so slow!”

“Fat luck.” De Jun barely even spared him a glance as he pulled the reins, willing his horses to slow leading up to a bumpier part of the road. “Besides, I don’t think we’ll be going all the way to Argos. Somewhere along the way.”

“Can’t your psychic powers tell us exactly where, apprentice?”

De Jun looked at him sharply, sending a shiver down his spine and straight to his crotch. “Not even Apollo himself knows exactly how the future will play out. Prophecies can be completed in many different ways.”

Yukhei picked at a nail. “So the many different ways this could play out is Zygouries, Mycenae —“ _[_ _1_ _]_

“Would you shut up? My chariot license is still probationary and I’m not allowed Bluetooth speakers.”

Yukhei zipped his lips shut despite really, really not wanting to. De Jun had mentioned he was a new driver about half an hour into their journey, which was definitely not the appropriate time to be mentioning to your passenger that you were carting around the continent. Yukhei had spent the majority of the time after backseat driving until De Jun had snapped at him that if he said “a single thing about my driving, so help me, I will throw you off this chariot and then kill myself and the horses”.

So Yukhei kept mum. He hummed his favourite flute medley in his head and got told to shut up when he tried humming it for real.

De Jun was really so fucking hot and so fucking annoying.

“It’s getting late,” De Jun said at some point, ages into Yukhei’s silence. It was probably only 15 minutes, but that was forever for the demigod. (That, and he had also fallen asleep.) “We should ask around if someone has beds to spare.” _[_ _2_ _]_

“Mm.” Yukhei stretched his hands behind his head and let them hang over the edge of the chariot. The skies were darker, and the landscape had turned from slightly hilly to a wide plain. “We should be at Cleonae soon.”

“We wouldn’t want to get stuck camping out in the forest around here,” De Jun mused, and Yukhei nodded. They definitely wouldn’t want that.

They drove a few more miles until they spotted a goatherd’s cottage. Cleonae was firmly in the boonies, so Yukhei figured they wouldn’t get a better place than this. Goatherds always had fresh milk. Yukhei needed fresh milk because he was a growing man with an image to maintain. Also, he was sponsored by the goat milk industry _[_ _3_ _]_. He hoped there were goats.

“I’ll handle this,” Yukhei said, placing a hand on De Jun’s shoulder. “I’m something of a charmer where I come from.”

De Jun scowled at him, as he tended to do. “You’re wearing nothing but a perizoma.”

Yukhei imagined knocking on the door, his big barbarian dick swinging like no one’s business. The goatherd would answer, beard thick and full, dick tiny. ‘You’re not welcome here,’ Dream Goatherd would say.

“I’m cold,” Yukhei shrugged, leaping off the chariot. He ruffled the horses under their chins. “Don’t run off without me!”

“Wish I could.”

Yukhei headed for the cottage, hoping Dream Goatherd wouldn’t be around to make him feel insecure. He found, instead, a man almost a head shorter than him, hair greyed and beard scrawny, collapsed against a shed wall while a goat chewed on his cloak.

“Oi!” Yukhei called. The man didn’t budge.

Okay then.

Yukhei treaded carefully over the paddocks, hoping he wasn’t the kind of shepherd who thought he was a goat thief, and poked at the man’s arm. “Hey. Hello? Are you the goatherd?”

“Ngh,” the man mumbled, eyes still closed. _Wow_ , his voice was soft. “Don’t be lazy, squeeze those teats like you mean it.”

“Uh.” Yukhei twiddled his thumbs. “Thank you, but I’m not looking for goat milk at present.”

The man’s eyes pried open. Yukhei could barely see them. “What.”

Damn, he’s hostile. “My chauffeur and I have been travelling all day, and we were hoping, if you had a spare bed, or haystack—”

“Who.”

“Um, my chauffeur and I, we just—“

“I’m not feeling social today.” The man’s eyes widened a little, and Yukhei watched his pupils adjust to the dusk light. He looked around, spaced out, until he focused on Yukhei. “Wait… Wong Yukhei?”

Thank fucking gods he didn’t say Hercules. “Yes! Yes, I’m Wong Yukhei!”

“Holy shit.” The man leapt to his leapt, shoving the goat out of the way. “Holy shit. It’s an honour! I’m Kim Dongyoung, president of the Argolis Goatherd Association.”

“That’s cool!” Yukhei finger-gunned at him, put on his best hero smile. “I love goat milk!”

“It’s such an honour to meet you.”

“It’s my absolute pleasure.”

“What was it you wanted? I’m so sorry, you caught me at an inopportune time. My goats are exceptionally hungry,” Dongyoung looked down at his cloak with contempt, “As you can see.”

“It’s chill. Love a curious goat!” Yukhei finger-gunned the goat, too. “I was hoping you had a place for me and my chauffeur to stay? We’ve been travelling all day, and we’d rather not camp in the forest.”

Dongyoung’s face became grave. “Oh, you definitely don’t want to camp out in the forest.” He grabbed Yukhei’s shoulder. “Come. I have room in the stable, but I only have one bed. Perhaps your help can sleep on the haystacks? Unless you wish to leave him in the chariot.”

Yukhei didn’t think Apollo would take kindly to letting his priest sleep on a haystack surrounded by hungry goats. “Oh no, we’ll share the bed, thank you.”

Dongyoung paused, turned to him, eyes glinting weirdly but expression otherwise blank. “Ah. I see. My apologies for assuming your companion was your slave. Call him over! Where is he?” The goatherd looked around, hand over his eyes despite the sun hardly glaring. “Oh, I see him! By Zeus, you treat him well. Look at that purple-lined coat!” _[_ _4_ _]_

“He’s not —“

“Yoohoo! Hello!” Dongyoung waved his hands around. “You are welcome here!”

Yukhei raised two fingers to his mouth and whistled with his whole body. (Big chest, big lungs, #JustSonsOfZeusThings.) De Jun peered over one of the horses and gave him the finger.

“What a progressive relationship you two have,” Dongyoung commented. _[_ _5_ _]_

At some point, Yukhei was going to have to either explain to Dongyoung that his companion was, in fact, a priest of Apollo, and that he was probably committing all kinds of sacrilege, _or_ he was going to have to tell De Jun to pretend to be his butt bro.

Either he faces Apollo’s wrath, or he loses the support of the goat milk industry in Argolis.

Hm.

Lord Apollo, Yukhei prayed internally, please forgive me for my hubris. I’m not actually going to fuck your priest, I’m just going to act like I did so I can continue receiving goats’ milk from strangers for free. I’m sure you understand.

* * * * *

Yukhei and De Jun collapsed pretty quickly after a hearty souvlaki dinner _[_ _6_ _]_ , so he didn’t think too hard about the fact that he was sharing a bed with a hot Oracle. He’d shared plenty of beds with weirder creatures and it had never been awkward. Heck, if he was honest, nothing had been weirder than sharing a bed with his ex-wife.

So he wasn’t too concerned, even when he woke up. They weren’t even touching each other, De Jun awake and sitting at the edge of their bed. His eyes were a little crusty, and there was no smell of waste wafting over from their chamber pot, so he mustn’t have fully got up. (Not that he could tell amongst the goat shit anyway.)

“Morning,” Yukhei said cheerily, stretching his arms out above his head. He’d be out of bed in 30 seconds, because morning people get things done!

“Morning.”

Okay. Weird that De Jun was being pleasant, after a whole day of him being an absolute dick. Maybe he was just having a cranky day…

De Jun turned his head then, an evil smirk on his beautiful face. “Satyr-penis.”

Alas.

Yukhei would not be phased, would not let himself blush. “You were looking?”

De Jun’s smirk dropped immediately. “We’re getting you a cloak,” he scoffed, turning away.

“Am I that distracting?”

“Shut up.”

Dongyoung was waiting in his cottage with bread and wine for their breakfast. They sat on the floor of the kitchen as their host sleepily toddled around, clearly not enjoying being up before the crack of dawn. He was attempting to be sociable, though, which Yukhei thought was cute.

“Where are you both off to?” he asked, taking a seat opposite them.

Yukhei debated explaining the tasks set for him, but decided enough people knew about his rice-eating habits. Didn’t want to lose his goat milk supply! “We’re not sure, actually. We’re in search of the Great Lion, but—“

Yukhei stopped speaking when Dongyoung’s hand went slack, dropping his bread on the clay floor. “You mean the Nemean Lion?”

“The who?”

“The Nemean Lion. He’s plagued this town for years.” Dongyoung picked his bread back up, but clutched it in his hand instead of going for the wine. “It took my son.”

Ohhhhh, shit. Yukhei tried to think of a way to rephrase “that’s rough, buddy” in his head, because honestly, he’s seen plenty of shit in his time. His hometown of Thebes was in fucking war for most of his childhood because the King fucked his mother and his sons couldn’t decide who should rule the kingdom and then the princess committed suicide and all Yukhei can say to cope with death is “that’s rough, buddy” _[_ _7_ _]_. But he has refrained ever since his publicist told him it wasn’t PC.

“What happened to him?”

Dongyoung closed his eyes. “He was just hunting, you know. I told him not to… that’s what the Lion does, you see. It has quite the appetite for virile young men. Which is why both of you should be careful!”

Yukhei thought it was kind of fucking weird for a father to call his son virile, but okay. If that was what the Nemean Lion was looking for, then cool. No judgement. Yukhei liked virile too.

He shoved the last of his bread into his mouth and down his throat, which was a mistake, because he had about a fist-sized loaf left and if he was being honest, he didn’t have a lot of experience with fitting big things into his mouth. “You have nothing to worry about, noble goatherd! I can take a li’l old lion, no problem!”

Dongyoung’s eyes flashed open. “That’s exactly what my son said.”

“But I’m Wong Yukhei! I have the power of god and terracotta cows on my side!” _[_ _8_ _]_ Yukhei rose to his feet and jerked a thumb at De Jun, who was still sitting on the floor. “And this guy, too.”

De Jun rolled his eyes so hard his head rolled back with them. “We will do everything we can to avenge your son.”

Dongyoung looked at them through narrowed eyes. Yukhei was starting to wonder if he had some form of astigmatism, when he lowered his head. (It was probably still astigmatism.) “If you are not back in 30 days, I will sacrifice my best buck in mourning.”

Fucking dramatic for someone they had just met. But then Yukhei started thinking about Dongyoung’s best buck — not that he’d seen it, but he could imagine its large muscular chest, rippling goat abs, big, big… horns. Such prime souvlaki meat.

Yukhei was going to destroy this motherfucking lion.

* * * * *

“I still have a terrible feeling about you blocking off that second entrance,” De Jun said for at least the 48th time in the last few hours, since Yukhei had blocked off the second entrance of the cave the Nemean Lion was supposedly hiding in, according to De Jun’s own oracular premonition.

“You don’t want the lion running out of the cave, do you?” Yukhei replied for the 48th time.

“I would also like to be able to escape in case the lion eats you.”

“Very dishonourable of you.”

“Is it? I have no loyalty to you.”

“Doesn’t matter if _you_ have loyalty to me, only if _people_ think you have loyalty—” _[_ _9_ _]_

“Stop.” De Jun grabbed Yukhei’s shoulder and pulled him back. His fingers were stiff and his nails dug into Yukhei’s flesh, and goodness, how could someone’s hand be both soft _and_ calloused at the same time? He wondered how De Jun’s hands would feel on his — “Do you hear that?”

Yukhei pressed pause on his brain and listened. And sure enough, that was the rumble of a lion-sounding creature alright.

“Stay behind me,” Yukhei uttered lowly, even though De Jun was in front of him, and neither of them made any effort to move. It wasn’t until Yukhei reached over his shoulder for his newly purchased bronze arrows — god, did he love the smell of fresh bronzeworks — that De Jun finally moved away. _[_ _10_ _]_

Holding his bow to the ground, he stepped forward, very slowly, making sure his sandals didn’t brush the ground too loudly, towards the sound. It was a low, quiet thing that he could barely hear over the sound of De Jun’s breathing.

“Do you see it?” De Jun whispered, barely audible from where he was standing.

Yukhei did see it. A beast of a thing, much bigger than any lion he’d ever seen. (Not that he’d seen a lot of lions.) It was asleep, lying on its back, its chest and stomach laid bare like a target.

Oh, Hera. This was going to be so fucking easy.

Slowly, Yukhei pulled his bow taut. He aimed the arrow directly at where he assumed its heart would be. He let the arrow fly and winced at the hiss it made through the air, but it wouldn’t matter when the lion would be dead in less than a second.

Except the arrow bounced right off the lion’s hide and fell onto the stone floor with a clatter. And the lion grunted and blinked its eyes open. Definitely not dead.

Fuck.

Yukhei pushed De Jun into the closest cover he could find; a tiny hole in the wall. “Stay out of the way and stay quiet! Don’t let it hear you!”

The next few moments were a blur. Yukhei launched another useless arrow at the lion, who was now wide awake and running towards him, and another, and another before he had to jump away to safety. Every single one of them bounced right off its skin. Yukhei relied on muscle memory while his brain churned out an endless line of expletives, but apparently his muscle memory wasn’t very good because he still managed to get scratched here and there. He had a tiny dagger hanging from a sash across his chest, but he suspected it wouldn’t do much either. The thing was fierce and large and its skin was tough as stone. Zeus.

“Hey! Yukhei!” De Jun called, stepping out from his hidey hole, because he was apparently an idiot oracle who didn’t obey orders.

“Shut up and get back inside!” Yukhei yelled back.

“No, listen to me! I think the entire lion’s probably pretty tough! Try using its nails to pierce its skin!”

Great. Just great! Yukhei watched as the lion locked eyes with De Jun, and he ran and pounced right for it. Cool. Nice.

The lion had four paws of nails _and_ teeth, and Yukhei was going to have to wrestle it with his two hands. Neato.

He grasped the lion by its front paws and tried to hold its back paws down with his feet. The creature was way bigger than him — and Yukhei was _big_ — so the position put its mouth dangerously in line with Yukhei’s chest. He tried to maneuver the paws to hold the head back, but it was proving difficult.

“Just scratch!” De Jun yelled behind him. “Make it scratch itself!”

“Can you stop backseat lion-slaying?”

“I’m trying to help!”

“Well, if you’re so good at it then why don’t you come do it yourself?”

There was a roar, and before Yukhei knew it, his hand had been chomped into. “Fuck!”

“Concentrate!”

“Shut up!”

Yukhei used his weight to push the lion back on its back, and used its claw to stab into its neck. Sure enough, it drew blood.

De Jun was right.

The rest of the details were gory, and Yukhei blanked out and let Ares or whatever weird spirit that could handle violence take over him. Long story short, he managed to cut the lion’s chest open and rip out its heart. Maybe it was the god of dissecting frogs in biology class, because damn, he cut pretty clean. _[1_ _1_ _]_

The lion was dead. There was blood and lion bodily fluids all over Yukhei’s arm, probably mixed with his own wounds which was not good.

De Jun peaked out from behind a rock. “Is it done?”

Yukhei nodded. “It’s done.”

De Jun took a quick glance at his arm, and then looked away quickly. “Let’s get out of here. I have medicine and water back in the chariot.” He looked down at the lion corpse, and then up at the cave ceiling. “And bring the body.”

De Jun turned out to be an adept healer. Yukhei probably should’ve expected that, considering he was a priest of Apollo, but he often forgot people could be good at more than the one thing. The priest held him firmly, like any medic would, but Yukhei’s heart still fluttered at the furrow in his brow, the little pout his lips made as he concentrated.

It was only because he was so fucking hot.

“Why did you ask me to bring the lion?” Yukhei asked.

De Jun raised an eyebrow. “Its hide is practically indestructible. You’re currently naked. Wouldn’t you rather have some form of armour?”

“Oh.” Yukhei could probably tie it in such a way that it could hide his dick, too. De Jun was so smart.

“And this way I don’t have to keep patching you up. Apollo knows how many things you need me to do for you. You’re like a child.”

“Hey! Who saved whose ass back there?”

“You’re strong, Wong Yukhei, but you’re not good for much else.”

Apparently almost being killed by a lion did nothing to make De Jun less irritating.

* * * * *

Hercules’ first task was to slay the Nemean Lion, who rested near the ancient town of Cleonae. There’s two different versions of this story: in the first, they run into a boy who says the town will sacrifice the lion to Zeus if Heracles lives, and if not, the boy will sacrifice himself; in the second, they run into a shepherd who would sacrifice the goat to Zeus or the dead Hercules, depending on the outcome. Most stories have him either wrestling the lion to death or shooting it in the mouth.

Footnotes:

  1. Zygouries and Mycenae were both significant settlements of Bronze Age Greece, halfway between Argos and Corinth (Corinth was uninhabited during the Late Helladic period, but a settlement did exist in the Early Helladic II phase). Mycenae is the large city-state that the Mycenaean civilisation is named after, but it is by no means the most important settlement of the area during that era. It was probably incredibly significant and a major trade centre, but most of the importance we pay it today is because it was under the rule of Agamemnon in _The Iliad_ , who commanded the Greek united forces in the Trojan War.
  2. Inns and hotels didn’t exist until after the Greek Dark Ages, when the Greek peninsula started to become a thriving center of trade. Until then, people had to rely on the hospitality of strangers to find a place to sleep — whether that be in someone’s house or a tavern.
  3. Goat milk was the primary form of milk available in Mycenaean (or generally all of ancient) Greece, and was usually drunk plain and fresh in the countryside. It was rarely used in cooking.
  4. Purple was the most expensive colour in the world, right up until the 1800s. In the near East and Mediterranean, it was made using a specific species of snail. Processes to make purple were just as difficult and expensive in other parts of the world.
  5. Giving the finger was almost definitely not a thing in Mycenaean times, but giving someone the middle finger was a phallic gesture used to insult and intimidate. Classical Greeks referred to it as ‘katapygon’, and it was intentionally similar to the term ‘katapugon’ which refers to “a male who submits to anal penetration”. De Jun implied (in a very insulting way) that he would be the one smashing it.
  6. Archaeologists have uncovered portable clay barbecue trays designed to cook skewered meat, dating back to various points of the Mycenaean era. 
  7. All events describe the three Theban plays by the Classical Athenian playwright Sophocles — the war is described in _Oedipus at Colonnus_ , the guy fucking his mother is _Oedipus Rex_ , and the princess committing suicide is _Antigone_. At the end of all these events, the King of Thebes ends up being Creon, whose daughter Megara is said to have married Heracles before he began his twelve labours. Megara won’t be appearing in this story.
  8. The Mycenaeans didn’t have anime, and even if they did, I’d assume it would be denounced as barbaric since it’s non-Greek. Archaeologists believe young children of the time entertained themselves with terracotta figurines and dolls, which are often found buried in child graves. They probably also used cheaper wooden toys as well.
  9. Honour in ancient Greece was less of a vague feeling and more of a way of life, and came in various forms. Whether or not you attained in your lifetime was up to your peers, not up to you. The kind of honour Yukhei refers to is known as kleos, or everlasting glory and fame, and usually only applies to heroes and warriors. The honourable thing to do, according to Yukhei, would have been to die with his companion.
  10. Bronze age tools were usually — you guessed it! — bronze.
  11. Ancient Mycenaean students most likely did not dissect frogs in biology class — assuming they even had biology class. Dissection of human bodies, at least, for science and medicine was practiced in other parts of the world at the time, particularly in Egypt.




	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #2: Slaying the Lernaean Hydra.  
> Labour #3: Capture the Ceryneian Hind.

“Now!”

De Jun swung the torch forward onto the stump of the hydra’s neck and Yukhei clambered away, ready to wrangle the next head. He didn’t need to watch the monster’s flesh boil and fry and char under the heat of the fire. Gross.

Yukhei was on head six of how many ever. He didn’t care to keep count, only a watch on the one immortal head thrashing around. That one had to be removed last. All he had was a sickle he bought from a street stall at Argos when he was supposed to buy a sword, since De Jun didn’t have any more olive oil to trade. It wasn’t his fault he left his goods back at home! How was he supposed to know he had to use it? His only plans when he left the house had been to go to the gym and he couldn’t exactly carry anything in his perizoma.

And yeah, maybe trading a beautiful flute of olive oil, pottery included, for a bronze sickle wasn’t a good bargain, but hey! It was a good quality sickle! An investment! Perhaps one day he’d have a farm and no money for slaves to harvest his barley _[_ _1_ _]_ , and then he definitely wouldn’t regret buying this sickle.

But anyway, back to the hydra. It took a bit of grunt work, and the makeshift cloth mask he’d tied around both ears nearly slipped off, but Yukhei finally managed to slice off its head. “De Jun!”

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this for you,” De Jun grumbled, as De Jun usually did. Yukhei wished he’d tied the cloth mask on him like a gag. “You’re supposed to be big and mighty and all-powerful.”

“Why thank you!” Yukhei replied cheerfully while grabbing another hydra neck. “You’re so kind. But I only have two arms, and my feet don’t have opposable thumbs.”

“I’ve heard there are creatures that have opposable thumbs on their feet. Over by the Indus.” _[_ _2_ _]_

“You mean monkeys?”

De Jun gasped. “You’ve seen them?”

“No, but I know a guy who knows a guy—”

“Watch out!”

Yukhei avoided one of the hydra’s poisonous fangs digging into his shoulder and took the opportunity to slice its head off too. Head number eight.

His eyes were watering from the poisonous fumes by the time the last head was left. The hydra was weak by then; he didn’t face a lot of resistance slicing off the last of its heads. It was fucking weird how it was still moving and hissing while in his hands, but Yukhei guessed he was going to see a lot weirder during this whole shebang. “Do you have a long rope?” he asked De Jun.

“Uh…” De Jun squinted at their chariot, obscured by the mist of the spring Amymome _[_ _3_ _]_. He’d parked well away from the banks of Lerna so the horses wouldn’t be affected by the hydra’s poisonous fumes. “I might.”

Yukhei tried not to watch De Jun’s arms — big, delicious arms, Artemis, if De Jun was a pig he’d slice him up and marinate him and turn him into gyro — swing as he ran back and focused instead on the problem at hand: the immortal hydra head. It hissed menacingly at him even as he kicked it around like a rock. It didn’t roll around very well — it was oval-ish and kind of pointy on one end, and… hey.

Yukhei picked the head up and held it firmly between his two hands. He held it out in front of his waist and kicked the pointy end gently, careful to avoid any fangs or saliva. It flew a few yards away, screeching, and landed on the rocky ground with an unpredictable bounce.

_Hey_.

“Are you playing games with that head?” De Jun screeched in De Jun fashion. “It’s an ancient being!”

“So?” Yukhei ran over to the head, which looked a lot like it was cursing him in hydra language. “Did you get the rope?”

“I only have the spare for tying up the horses.” De Jun pulled the long leather strap taut between his hands and Yukhei zoned out for about five anxiety-driven heartbeats. “It’s not long, but—“

“It’ll do.” Yukhei tried not to drool as he pulled the strap away and started binding the hydra’s immortal mouth shut with it. “I’ll buy you a new one in Argos.”

“I’m pretty sure that one’s Egyptian leather.”

“Your new one will be Argolid leather.”

Yukhei used the rest of the leather to tie the head to a small-ish boulder and started to push the boulder towards the lake. It wasn’t much of an effort, really, considering Yukhei was extra strong and all that, but he let his arms flex just in case De Jun was watching. And his thighs, of course. The lion hide was great at showing off his thighs.

If De Jun had been paying attention, he didn’t show it. “You should’ve kept it around a little longer. If you dip your arrows in its venom, the venom will stain them forever.”

Dejun was _smart_ smart. Yukhei looked at the twenty odd hydra heads lying on the ground around them. “Will these do?”

De Jun rolled his eyes. “Close enough.”

“Is this task done, then?”

“It’s done.”

* * * * *

Every agora _[_ _4_ _]_ had that one spot, enclosed, hidden away, that the illicit lovers frequented. Usually in a place women never frequented, so it was always male illicit lovers. These spots in Thebes were just filled with guys mourning because their partners had either died of plague or war _[_ _5_ _]_ , but it served basically the same purpose. People were still jacking off, usually.

Yukhei and De Jun were not jacking off in this particular spot of the Argos agora, but any other area and Yukhei kept getting stopped to sign someone’s Air Wongs. Not that Yukhei minded; he loved his fans! He loved Air Wongs! He loved the money he got from his Air Wongs sponsorship! Thanks, Nike! _[_ _6_ _]_ But De Jun was a killjoy, and only wanted to enjoy their wine and bread in private.

Yukhei really thought he was going to get a handjob for a while there, though.

“Do you have any meat?” Yukhei asked.

“Not since you traded an entire bottle of olive oil for a cheap sickle, no.”

“Oh, come on! The sickle was useful, wasn’t it? Sure,” Yukhei added quickly, when he saw De Jun open his mouth, “I _could_ have used the sword, but did you see that thing? Kept growing his heads back! Totally a weed metaphor.” _[_ _7_ _]_

De Jun cocked his head. “ _What?_ ”

“You’re not a hero, so you wouldn’t understand how important symbolism is.”

“I’m literally an oracle.”

“Besides, I can use this later, on my barley farm! Or wheat. Or grapes. I hear wineries will be all the rage one day.”

“You’re not actually going to work the farm, though, are you?”

Yukhei shrugged. This was verging into long-term goal territory, and De Jun wasn’t a level 10 friend yet. “It’d be nice. I’m strong.” _[_ _8_ _]_

De Jun stuffed his mouth with bread instead of responding, so Yukhei thought that was the end of that. Maybe De Jun was silently judging him for wanting to do the work of a labourer, but Yukhe needed some way to use his extraordinary strength for the rest of his life, right?

(Also, like, of course he was going to buy labourers. At least five. Who did De Jun think he was?)

“A farm sounds boring,” De Jun said after a long pause.

“Oh, yeah. Totally boring. Pretty sure I’ll get tired of it in, like, a month.” Yukhei tried to hide his left pec from De Jun’s view. It was twitching. “Besides, not a lot of hot young men to fuck on a farm! I’ll get bored around the same group of slaves all the time.”

“Is that all you think about?”

“What can I say?” Yukhei grinned, hoping his blinding smile would distract from his now violently quaking left pec. “Every since I wet my dick for the first time on my ex-wife’s wedding bed, all I wanna do is _fuck_ . I wanna clap some cheeks!” He pumped his fist, as if to mime clapping cheeks. He thought that was how it worked. Actually, he wasn’t sure — the only way he’d know was if he’d experienced it, or if he’d walked into a brothel, which was usually followed with _experiencing it_ so needless to say, he’d never walked into a brothel. _[_ _9]_

“That’s nice for you.”

“I _fuck_.”

“Wonderful.”

The good and bad thing about De Jun was that Yukhei could never tell if he saw through his lies or not. There was no way De Jun knew about the left pec bouncing thing — because that was _private_ , dammit — but De Jun was an oracle, in the end. He wasn’t the Oracle of Delphi, who knew everything, but oracles who weren’t the Oracle of Delphi still knew a lot of things. He wondered if —

“No, I cannot read your mind.”

Yukhei leapt off of his leather bench. “How do you know what I’m thinking if you can’t read my mind?!”

“Because everyone thinks the same thing. I cannot read minds and I’m sure glad I can’t, since I don’t particularly want to listen in on you reminiscing on all your sexual conquests.”

Even though Yukhei was on the floor, he couldn’t resist a jab. “Are you sure?”

“I’m certain.”

“Are you absolutely sure? Because they say my Babylonian penis was a blessing from Zeus himself.” _[_ _10_ _]_

De Jun stared at the point between Yukhei’s skull as if he was boring a hole through it. “No one says that. I can’t think why anyone would ever say that.”

“You’re right. It’s more a blessing from Dionysus.” _[_ _11_ _]_

Just when Yukhei thought De Jun was going to call him out on his lie, he coughed and hid his face behind his hands. Yukhei’s first was immediately on his shaking back, hitting it gently. “Whoa, are you okay?”

Yukhei felt De Jun’s back rise and fall under his hands. Three heartbeats and he was back up, like nothing happened, as if his ears weren’t red and his cheeks weren’t rosy. “I’m fine.”

“Were you… laughing?”

“No. Shut up.”

“You think I’m funny.”

“I do not.”

“I’ve been considering a go at the theatre, actually! Consider this — there’s a war, right? And in order to get the war to stop, all the women in all the city states stop having sex with men until they negotiate peace.” _[_ _12_ _]_

De Jun scoffed. “You’ll make a fool of yourself.”

“It’ll be like, women are so silly, right? Ha ha!” _[_ _13_ _]_

“Mm. I’d be mindful of what you say. Your next task is capturing the Golden Hind.”

Golden Hind, Golden Hind… Yukhei knew that one. “That’s Artemis’ pet deer?”

“Precisely.”

“And all I have to do is capture it?”

“You act as if the beast can’t outrun an arrow in flight.”

Yukhei shrugged. “I mean, maybe, but Artemis is also my BFF. So we can just go to her temple and ask?”

De Jun narrowed his eyes. “There’s no way that’s going to work.”

“Bet?”

De Jun stared at Yukhei’s extended hand, and then up at his face. Yukhei let himself look into his eyes — in a manly way, of course, that said “you’re getting pwned”. Just rival things.

De Jun finally took Yukhei’s hand and shook it firmly. “Bet.”

* * * * *

Artemis showed up pretty much as soon as they arrived at the temple. (Or. Well. Her voice did.)

“Wong Yukhei!” she announced cheerfully, “My favourite virgin! Give me a minute, I just have to shoot this perverted hunter in the head.” _[1_ _4_ _]_

De Jun’s face loomed into view in his peripheral. “Artemis’ favourite virgin?”

Yukhei’s left pec sagged. “Fuck.”

“Weren’t you married?”

“He and his ex-wife chickened out once they reached the bridal chamber, so they jumped up and down on the bed and yelled obscene things,” Artemis said, suddenly apparating in front of them, holding the decapitated head of a man by his hair. An arrow pierced through his skull and blood was dripping from all of his wounds, but none of it appeared on the temple floor. “Yukhei even spilt his own blood on the bed for authenticity. I’m always appreciative of a man who bends over backwards for his female friends.”

“Anyway!” Yukhei exclaimed, loudly, as if that would erase everyone’s memory of Artemis’ _lies_. “So, my next task is—”

“Ah yes, my hind! I gotchu.” Artemis lifted her free hand — the one not carrying the head — to her lips and whistled loud and clear, so loud Yukhei could feel the ground shake beneath his feet. De Jun held his shoulder for balance, and Yukhei reached for his waist to steady him. (Yum.) “Shouldn’t be long! Hera is so stupid. Doesn’t she know we’re friends?”

“O Artemis, who shoots of gold, strong-voiced, revered virgin, delighter in arrows, sister to my lord Apollo,” De Jun bowed. (He still hadn’t let go of Yukhei’s shoulder. Delicious.) “Are you sure it will count if Yukhei doesn’t go out and seek the hind himself?”

“It’ll have to,” she huffed. “Else my father will hear about this.”

“Isn’t dad on bad terms with Hera?” Yukhei asked.

“I’ll get Ares to back me up. _[_ _15_ _]_ Should be fine. Oh! There it is!”

Yukhei pulled De Jun closer as he turned to the temple entrance and found a beautiful golden deer bounding towards them, so fast it looked like multiple beautiful golden deer. Unlike Artemis, the deer was physically there.

“Oh my god,” De Jun whispered under his breath. ‘Same,’ Yukhei thought.

“Hi, Ella _[_ _16_ _]_ , baby!” Artemis cooed, her hands on her knees. The blood from the decapitated head now dripped onto her feet, but it slid right off her skin like she was waterproof. “Can you do me a favour? Can you let my mortal brother hold your horns for a minute? Can you do that for me, sweetie?”

The deer looked directly at Yukhei. He felt De Jun’s hands squeeze his shoulders — oh my god, when did _both_ his arms end up around his shoulders? What the fuck, was this what the Isle of the Blessed felt like? Surely this was what Isle of the Blessed felt like— _[_ _17_ _]_

“—Yukhei, are you listening? She’s offering up her horns for you.”

“Oh!” Yukhei very reluctantly let go of De Jun, who leaped five feet away from him. “Yes. I will grab this hind by the horns.”

Yukhei was extra strong, so he could probably take this hind — Ella — if she decided to fight. She probably wouldn’t decide to fight because Artemis was really good at training animals, so they always listened to her — she was also the goddess of dangerous forest animals and game, so that helped — but he tensed his muscles anyway. Just in case.

(De Jun was too busy gaping at the deer to pay attention to him. Rats.)

“Okay, Ella! Pose!”

The Golden Hind’s face morphed into one of distress as it flailed and crouched in pain. “I’m not doing this!” Yukhei yelled. “I swear I’m not doing this—“

“Good girl! Athena?”

“On it,” another godly voice boomed, older, much more mature. “Say haloumi!”

The deer squawked, and Yukhei wheezed out, “Haloumi?”

There was a blinding flash. Red circles danced in Yukhei’s vision as the deer wrestled out of his hold and ran right out of the temple.

“Your amphora is on an altar to your right,” Athena’s voice chimed. “Have a nice day!” _[_ _18_ _]_

Yukhei didn’t know which way was right anymore, so he scanned the temple until he found a tiny altar with a pot sitting on it that he didn’t _think_ was there before. Maybe. There were lots of pots around temples bearing offerings, but this one looked shiny and new. Yukhei wandered over to it and squinted closely polished white and red terracotta, depicting him bravely wrestling the Golden Hind.

“Proof you captured the thing, in case anyone asks,” Artemis explained.

“Thank you,” Yukhei murmured. “What _was_ that?”

“Oh, this is called potography! We’re still working on a name. Gods only, so far, but maybe one day the mortals will catch up.”

“That was disorienting.”

“Yes, it does need refining.” Artemis had tied the man’s hair onto her girdle, so the head was just hanging there. “Now, was there anything else you needed?”

“Oh! Uh,” Yukhei pointed at De Jun, “He’s broke and so am I, so.”

“Dude!” De Jun hissed. “Not in front of the goddess!”

“It’s okay!” she said, “I saw what you did, young man, giving the last of your olive oil away to the poor.”

“I, uh,” De Jun bowed, “Forgive me, but I gave it to Yukhei to barter for a sickle.”

“Yes. The poor. And he bought something useful with it, so he could make an honest man out of himself! For that, Athena has already filled that prize amphora of yours full of the best extra virgin olive oil, but I can also grant you an entire boar. Shoot sharp!”

“What?”

There was a grunt, then dripping on the floor, and Yukhei swivelled around until he spotted a wild boar standing not too far from him. Before he could even contemplate it — which, later, turned out to just be “what the honest to goddess-loving fuck” — he had nocked and released an arrow straight at the beast. It fell to the floor with a thud.

“What the hell was that?” Yukhei gasped, turning back to Artemis, but she wasn’t there.

“What the fuck,” De Jun whispered, loud enough to echo all the way to where Yukhei was standing. He had both his perfect arms and one perfect leg in the air, as if his limbs would shield him from a wild boar.

“You’ve never been hunting in your life, have you?”

“Of course not. I’m a priest.” De Jun’s limbs were still in the air. “They don’t normally have wild animals in the temple.”

“This is a temple.”

“This temple is fucking wack.”

Yukhei giggled. High-pitched, tiny little thing, like a hiccup, half his face behind his hand and everything. Aphrodite, he was pathetic. “Are you allowed to say that?”

De Jun shrugged, shaking himself off so he was back to standing on two legs like a civilised creature. “The gods can smite me if they want. Until then, I owe you some wine.”

“You do?”

“This was a bet, remember? I got pwned.”

De Jun’s use of modern-day slang sent shivers down Yukhei’s spine. “Alright. Treat me, then.”

“Careful, Yukhei,” Artemis’ voice whispered in his head. “He’s training to be an Oracle.”

Yukhei blinked. “Did you hear that?”

De Jun paused on his way out the temple. “Hear what?”

It must have been only for Yukhei’s ears, then. The gods worked in mysterious ways. “Never mind.”

* * * * *

Heracles’ second task was to kill the Lernaean hydra, which sat at the entrance of the Underworld. For the purposes of this story, though, this area — which I’ve located near Argos — will not be the entrance to the Underworld, but the hydra is still a chthonic creature (chthonic/chthonia means ‘of the Underworld’). In the original myths, Heracles is usually helped out by his nephew Ioalus. Hera later turns the hydra into a constellation.

The third task was to capture the Kerynaian Hind, which was one of the goddess Artemis’ favourite deer. In the source material, this is considered dangerous because stealing things from the gods was one of the worst crimes you could commit, and Artemis was female, therefore fucking crazy, and would probably do something really bad to you. The Hind was also said to travel faster than an arrow, and Heracles had to go beyond the known world, called the land of the Hyperboreans (starting in modern-day Slovenia and Hungary and moving northward) to catch it while it slept. He encountered Artemis while bringing it back and begged for her forgiveness, which she was happy to give him as long as he returned the deer. Another version has Hercules merely ask Artemis where the deer is, and she tells him to consider his task completed.

Footnotes:

  1. Barley and wheat were staple grains of the Mycenaeans.
  2. Monkeys are not native to Europe but there’s a theory that suggests a mural of monkeys found in a Minoan building are grey langurs, which were found in the Indus Valley (modern-day Pakistan and northern India). It’s possible the Minoans would have known of those monkeys — or even been in possession of the monkeys — through trade. This doesn’t necessarily apply to the Mycenaeans, though.
  3. Amymome was a Danaid who is involved in the founding myth of the ancient city of Argos. Long story short: Poseidon was pissed because the people of Argos chose Hera as their patron god instead of him, and then dried it of all its fresh water springs; Poseidon sees pretty girl (Amymome) and decides she’s worth giving a few springs back to Argos for.
  4. Agoras were a purely Classical Greek concept. It was a public space, similar to a forum, where people gathered to meet, to go shopping, or to listen to important civic announcements.
  5. This is another reference to the Theban plays. Thebes was struck by plague during Oedipus’ reign ( _Oedipus Rex_ ), and then war after he sent himself into exile ( _Oedipus at Colonnus_ ).
  6. Nike was the Greek goddess of victory.
  7. This is in reference to one particular reading of the hydra myth, in which Heracles’ slaying the hydra, which sprouts two heads in place of one lost, symbolises the resilience of man against nature. Even outside of this reading, the hydra is often seen as a botanical symbol.
  8. Mycenaean landowners usually hired other people or recruited slaves to work their land, and those of higher status often lived in citadels instead. The class divide is theorised to be more about where you lived rather than how much property you owned and your status as a freeman.
  9. The first record of brothels in the Greek peninsula is Athens under Solon’s rule, around 600 BCE, although we know that prostitution existed in Athens before this. There’s no real evidence of prostitution having been practiced in Mycenaean Greece, but sacred prostitution did exist in Mesopotamia and Egypt thousands of years earlier. The brothels Yukhei references here, however, are the Roman lupanare (wolf houses) that often had murals of various sexual poses painted across their walls.
  10. Babylon was the prominent culture in the Mesopotamian region at the time. Babylon was one of many precursors to Persia, which was one of the great Barbarian enemies of the Greek city states in the Classical period.
  11. Dionysus was often considered the ‘foreigner god’ of the Greek pantheon. He and his domains usually represented chaos, disorder, and loss of inhibitions. Big penises (ie. huge distracting sex drive) were his jurisdiction.
  12. This is a very real play called _Lysistrata_ , performed by Greek comedian Aristophanes in 411 BCE (Classical Athens). The concept may sound feminist to us, but at the time it was meant to be a farce. Warfare was not frowned upon in most points of ancient Greek history.
  13. Friendly reminder that men ain’t shit.
  14. Artemis was the protector of young virgin girls and tended to befriend men who weren’t sexual predators. 90% of these men turned out to be sexual predators in the end, and she would kill them. (Or turn them into a constellation if she had a crush on them.)
  15. Ares was Hera’s favourite son. Artemis wasn’t on great terms with Hera herself, having been the result of one of Zeus’ extramarital affairs.
  16. The ancient Greek word for hind was ‘elaphos’.
  17. Ancient Greece didn’t really have a concept of heaven; instead, all the dead went to the Underworld. By the time of the _Odyssey_ in the Iron Age, the Underworld had already been divided into three sections — Tartarus, for the extremely bad; the Fields of Asphodel, for the ordinary man; and Elysium, for the distinguished. Those granted access to Elysium could choose to be reborn instead, and if they successfully make it to Elysium three lives in a row, they can end up on the Isle of the Blessed, which was described as paradise.
  18. One of Athena’s domains was craftsmanship, including pottery.




	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #6: Defeat the Stymphalian Birds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may contain characters that do not show up on PC.

Yukhei didn’t even think twice before jumping in front of De Jun, ripping the krotala _[_ _1_ _]_ from his hand and shoving him into a bush before the metal feathers hit him. Most of them bounced off of his lion hide cloak, but one pierced right into his exposed calf. “ _Shit_.”

“Yukhei—“

“Don’t move!” Yukhei winced as he tried to shift his injured leg. Seems like he’d have to shoot all these birds without moving. A small part of his brain blamed De Jun for the injury, but mostly he just wanted to make sure he was okay. Damn his god-given altruism.

Yukhei aimed at the offending bird, the one that nearly killed De Jun, and released. Their undersides were mostly unprotected, and they were an easy kill, but there was so fucking many of them. He had to do something special.

He clapped his krotala loudly. “Hey! Asshole birds! I’ll kill you!”

Yeah, badass.

A few more birds rose from the trees around the swamp. Some eyed him warily from the air, but he didn’t have time to think about them, aiming for three at once that were flying right at him with their crazy bronze beaks. Honestly, shooting three arrows at once was no big deal for Yukhei. He’d shot five. Six even! Not that that had actually worked — none of them hit their targets — but he’d tried it! 𐀀+ for effort! _[_ _2_ _]_

Whatever. Those birds were dead now, and the others started flying away, and it was all very anticlimactic. He supposed this would be the forgettable chapter of his great epic, whenever someone wrote it. Man claps krotala and scares birds away. Yukhei couldn’t help but feel there was an agricultural metaphor somewhere, in all of this. Must’ve been the overarching theme. 

The bush behind Yukhei rustled. “Are they gone?”

“I think so.” Yukhei turned around. “What the hell were you thinking, drawing their attention like that? I had it in the bag!”

“You got hit.” Yukhei’s eyes widened as De Jun emerged from the bush — which just _had_ to be one of those thorny bushes — with cuts all over his face, bleeding from his forehead and cheek and parts of his shoulder. He brushed away the hand that Yukhei extended towards his cuts and supported him on his shoulder. “You’re lucky I have supplies in the chariot. The lion hide was supposed to protect you! I told you to tie it properly around your legs.”

There was a wobble in De Jun’s walk. It would have gone unnoticed if Yukhei wasn’t using him as a crutch. “You have cuts on your face.”

“You have a giant shard of metal in your leg.”

“Feather, technically.”

“Don’t care. Sit down.” De Jun lowered Yukhei slowly into the step of the chariot. The horses looked at him curiously, but Yukhei winked and they went back to their business of not paying attention to either of them.

De Jun braced himself against Yukhei’s arm as he leaned into the chariot to bring out his medical supplies. His grip was shaky. Yukhei thumbed one of the cuts on his shoulder before he could stop himself.

De Jun looked at him like he was a weirdo. (Yukhei didn’t have a good analogy, he only spoke from experience.) “Leave it alone. It’s just a scratch.”

“Why’d you try and grab the birds’ attention like that? You can’t protect yourself.” 

“You looked outnumbered.” De Jun brought out a first aid amphora that Yukhei didn’t even know he had. “I’m going to pull this thing out. It’ll hurt.” _[_ _3_ _]_

“Were you trying to protect me? Ow, _fuck!_ Fucking shit, dude, fuck me!”

“You wish.” De Jun kept the metal feather to the side, and quickly washed the wound with wine and vinegar mixture. “Ideally, I would mix this with boiling water, but I don’t have the time to start a fire and bring something to a boil.”

“This is fine,” Yukhei squeaked, even though it wasn’t fine. He could feel _everything_ and it hurt like a bitch.

“That was pretty impressive, what you did there.” De Jun’s eyes rested firmly on the wound, which Yukhei didn’t want to look at, so he just stared at his face. “Shooting all those birds.”

“Really? You thought that was impressive?”

“No, not really. I’ve seen you shoot lots of things by now.”

It was embarrassing how quickly Yukhei deflated. But it was true — boars, birds, one unfortunate centaur, and whatever they were eating for the night; Yukhei had shot many arrows over their months together. (Literally. Not figuratively, unfortunately.)

“I’m trying to keep your mind off the pain,” De Jun admitted.

Yukhei’s eyes dropped down to where De Jun was pouring honey on the wound. It still hurt like a bitch, but De Jun dipped his head so Yukhei’s eyes stayed on him, and Yukhei wasn’t thinking about the injury on his leg anymore. “It’s working.”

“I’m glad. My medic skills are very basic, but they tell me I’m good.”

“Where did you learn?”

“The temple. We’re all gifted healers there. Even the Oracle. Of course, I’m no Asclepius, but—” _[_ _4_ _]_

“No, you're doing a great job. Asclepius who?”

De Jun bit his lip. “Shut up.”

“But for real, I’ve met Asclepius and he’s kind of a dick. Sure, he can bring back the dead but I’m pretty sure the undead would want to be dead again after dealing with his rank personality.”

De Jun did that cough-laugh thing again, where he sounded like he was dying but wasn’t. “Oh my goodness.”

“Don’t tell Apollo. Actually, do tell Apollo! He has to know his son is an asshole.”

“Apollo knows everything.”

“Good! You hear that, Apollo? Your son’s a dick!”

“Shh! Don’t speak like that!”

“It’s cool, Apollo’s my bro. Literally, too. Also my dad will smite him if he tries shit with me.”

De Jun rolled his eyes as he ripped a strip of his linen cloak. With his bare hands, too; what the hell kind of gyms did they have in Orchomenus? Yukhei could do that but he was literally half god. “Relax, I can see you tensing. I’m just going to use this to dress the wound and bandage you up.”

It hurt a little less now, but only a little. De Jun greased a smaller rag with pig fat and pressed it against the wound. He then bound it tightly with the cleaner strip, and for a second Yukhei felt discomfort more than he felt pain. But then it was back.

“Thank you for saving my life, by the way,” De Jun said quietly.

Yukhei looked up from where his leg was being bandaged. De Jun was focusing on patching him up, his brow furrowed and lips in a slight scowl. “I didn’t do a very good job. I threw you in a thorn bush.”

“A couple of scratches from a plant is better than being impaled by a flesh-eating bird. So thank you.”

Yukhei’s throat felt tight. “Thank you, too. For stepping up when you thought I was in danger.”

This weird little character in Yukhei’s head, with a big round face and lines for a body, said ‘now kiss’. He gently reminded the non-binary thing that De Jun was off limits.

“You’re welcome,” De Jun replied dryly, as he tied the two ends of the linen in a neat knot. “Here. Done. You’re resting this leg for as long as possible.”

“How long, exactly, is possible when I’ve got a godly mission to complete?”

“…We’ll get you a walking stick.”

* * * * *

De Jun really meant it when he said he should rest his leg for as long as possible. And also get him a walking stick.

Stymphalia wasn’t a big city by any means, but it was a city in the sense that people were a little less hospitable. No one was willing to lend them two beds for the night, so Yukhei and De Jun had to settle for one again. Again. Not that this was a big deal, considering they had shared beds several times already.

(It was a big deal. Every single time. One time Yukhei woke up to his arms wrapped around De Jun’s waist and the man in question staring down at him like he was oozing puss out of his eye. He wished he’d been oozing puss out of his eye.)

Anyway, they’d shared a bed several times, and it was enough times to know that De Jun was a quiet sleeper. Sure, sometimes he spread out like a she-goat _[_ _5_ _]_ , but Yukhei was a light sleeper anyway, and had slept with much worse. His ex-wife being a prime example. Unlike her, De Jun didn’t snore and he didn’t have ridiculously long hair that kept tickling his nose. A win for Yukhei.

This time, though, De Jun was restless. It was late enough that all the torches in the street had been put out, and there shouldn’t have been a single sound around except for the cicadas and the frogs, but De Jun’s breathing was far too controlled and far too quick. Every once in a while, the cot creaked under his shifting weight. He was lying on his side, too, which was unusual.

Yukhei pretended to be asleep, because it was, after all, none of his business why another man was losing sleep. He wasn’t in the business of prying. This was an entirely external issue to Yukhei, beyond his control, unless De Jun wanted it to be in Yukhei’s control, in which case Yukhei would accept because he was very good at controlling things when he wanted to. Like mental endurance. And Air Wongs sales. And women.

(Okay, scratch that. He’d never been able to control a woman in his life. Sorry, dad.) _[_ _6_ _]_

Eventually, De Jun sat up in bed. Yukhei pretended to be asleep as he looked around, but once De Jun slipped out of bed, he couldn’t help himself. “Hey, where are you going?”

“Out,” De Jun replied shortly. “Need air.”

“Need air” was man code for “don’t fucking bother me”. Yukhei knew this. He respected this.

Mostly.

Okay, make that never.

He counted to 50 before he rose himself, ditching his clothes so he could slip away silently. He didn’t have the search long, finding De Jun sitting on the clay floor by the unlit hearth, his cloak wrapped tighter around him than usual. _[_ _7_ _]_

“What are you doing here?” De Jun whispered, as Yukhei approached.

“How did you know I was coming?” Yukhei whispered back.

“You’re huge, and you’re walking with a limp. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

De Jun was _not_ giving Yukhei enough credit for how stealthy he could be, but whatever. “Fair call.” He strode over to De Jun, bouncing a little on his ankles. “May I sit?”

“Would a ‘no’ stop you?”

“No.”

“Hm.”

Yukhei took his seat, since De Jun didn’t actually say no. “You seem like you got a lot on your psyche _[_ _8_ _]_. It helps to talk things out.”

De Jun’s grip on his cloak stiffened. He stared into charred remains of the hearth, jaw jutting out like a child. “This has been a dangerous journey for me.”

Yukhei snorted. “Yeah, for both of us. No shit.”

De Jun clenched his jaw. “You’ve been a hero before. Many times. I’m used to a life of comfort.”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“I’ve been in crazy situations so many times in the past few months, but today was—”

De Jun stopped abruptly, so Yukhei tried to fill in the blanks. “Different?”

“Yeah.”

Yukhei elbowed him gently. “You’ve been almost killed many times chauffeuring me around.” He grinned at De Jun’s scowl. “I’ve always been there to protect you. And I was today, like all the other times.”

“But—”

“And no, I will never not be there to protect you. I’m Wong Yukhei! Hero of Thebes! It’s what I do.”

“No. Listen to what I’m saying.” De Jun’s brow pointed all the way downwards like it was trying to sow a seed in the ground. “I put myself at risk. Not you.”

Yukhei was waiting for the beat drop. “Okay…”

“Usually, you’re the one putting my life at risk. No offense.”

“None taken, it’s true.”

“But this time, I put myself in danger. I nearly died because of me.”

Getting closer.

“What if I do that when you’re not around? Then how are you going to save me?”

Okay. That was a weird fucking beat drop. “Just pull your finger and I’ll come running.”

“Yukhei.”

It wasn’t often that De Jun used his name, so he let the sound run all over his body like an overexcited womb _[_ _9_ _]_. “What made you put your life at risk in the first place?”

Instead of answering, De Jun tilted his head away.

“You were trying to save me.”

“Hmph.”

“So it was kind of my fault anyway, wasn’t it?”

That finally — _finally_ — sparked a smile from De Jun. “That makes sense.”

“See? So you wouldn’t be in danger if I wasn’t around! Simple!” Yukhei flicked De Jun’s kneecap. “When you go back to the temple and start being an oracle, no monster’s going to try and get you.”

“Not unless the Titans wage war on us again.”

“Eh, been there, done that. Gaia only has beef with the gods, she loves humans. Also, all the giants are dead. What’s Gaia gonna do, shake her ass and cause an earthquake?” _[_ _10_ _]_

“That could actually create some static on the Oracle radio.”

“What’s ray-dee-oh?”

“Ah, never mind. I keep the locals won’t understand our inside jokes.”

“…Anyway, point is, you’ll be fine. I’m sorry this quest is difficult for you. You shouldn’t have to be put in danger. But once it’s all over and you’re in your fancy temple room wearing fancy jewellery, you don’t have to worry about Wong ‘Danger is my middle name’ Yukhei bothering you anymore.” _[_ _11_ _]_

“…Two things.”

“Yes.”

“One, I hope speaking about yourself in the third person isn’t a habit for you.”

“It’s more of an occasional indulgence.”

“Still disgusting. Two, you don’t need to explain your middle name in your middle name. It’s redundant.”

“Technically, you are correct, but where’s the fun in that?”

De Jun’s sigh hissed out through his nose, but he had the hint of a smile on his face. “I’ll let you have this one.”

“Both ones.”

“No.”

De Jun’s cloak had unravelled a little and the goosebumps had worn off his arms. Yukhei took it as a sign that he was feeling better, and things were on the up. He picked himself up off the clay flood and bent over to adjust his bad leg into a usable position. “Come back to bed.”

De Jun scowled, but there was no bite to it. “Don’t be weird.”

“I’m not! We’re sharing a bed.”

“You literally cannot tell me that while standing there butt naked.”

“Oh, sorry, is this affecting you?”

“Shut up! I’m going to piss now so the smell of my urine will keep you awake at night.”

“My great-grandfather was born when my dad peed on his mom.” _[_ _12_ _]_

“You’re the worst.”

* * * * *

Heracles’ sixth labour was to defeat the Stymphalian birds. They were sacred to the god Ares, and were man-eating birds with beaks of bronze and feathers as sharp and strong as metal, and their dung was highly toxic. They hung around Lake Stymphalia on the border of Corinthia and Arcadia, and destroyed nearby crops and ate young children. Heracles was provided a krotala from Athena, made by Hephaestus, to frighten the birds away. This could be read as yet another farming metaphor.

Heracles’ fourth and fifth tasks, respectively, were to capture the Erymanthian boar and clean the Augean stables.

The fourth labour often focused more on Heracles’ encounters with the centaurs rather than the boar itself. Savage centaurs were often used in stories to show how noble and Greek the hero was compared to them (centaurs ate raw meat and drank their wine undiluted, and got rowdy and drunk very easily). In Heracles’ case, he comes across two civilised centaurs, both old friends, although one does eat raw meat. The capture of the boar itself could be seen as a hunting metaphor.

The fifth labour is one of the most famous ones. Heracles has to clean out the stables of King Augeas’ immortal livestock. They produced huge amounts of dung that had never been cleaned. Heracles then proceeded to invent sewage by rerouting a river into the stables to wash the filth away. He received one-tenth of the cattle in payment. (Some versions of this tale have Augeas refusing the payment at first, and Heracles challenging him and winning in court. I suspect this was a Classical Athenian addition, but do not take my word for it. I am not a historian.)

Footnotes:

  1. A krotala was an ancient Greek percussion instrument, similar to the castanet but made of longer reed sticks. I was unable to find when it was first used, but most accounts come from the Archaic and Classical eras.
  2. 𐀀 is the equivalent of ‘a’ in Linear B, the script of Mycenaean Greece. Linear B is syllabic (with some ideograms) and doesn’t correlate directly into Latin languages the way Ancient Greek can, except for its vowels.
  3. All healing techniques described were really used in the Bronze Age at some parts of the world. We don’t know for sure what the Mycenaeans used for treatment of wounds and injuries, but the Sumerians had special beers they would use as an antiseptic and the Egyptians would use honey as an antibacterial and anti-inflammatory ointment or plaster, as well as animal grease as a protectant. The use of wine, vinegar and boiling water (which De Jun doesn’t have access to) as an antiseptic was a tried-and-tested technique by the time Hippocrates was writing about medicine, and honey and animal grease would have been readily available to the Mycenaeans. Again, this doesn’t necessarily imply that the Mycenaeans used the same processes.
  4. Asclepius was the Greek god of medicine, alongside Apollo, who became very popular in late Classical Greece and onwards. He was initially the demigod son of Apollo and was taught how to heal by him, and he was so good, he could bring people back to life. He took part in the hunt of the Calydonian Boar, a mythic event that resulted in many heroes coming together and would have taken place while Heracles was alive. I’ve made Asclepius a demigod healer with this timeline in mind. He was deified after his death.
  5. Linear B has some ideograms on top of its regular alphabet, in which characters represent certain words. The she-goat is a reference to the ideogram for she-goat in Linear B, 𐂈.
  6. Your regular reminder that men ain’t shit.
  7. The typical Mycenaean palace has a common lobby or throne room out of which all rooms enter into. In the middle of this room is a hearth, surrounded by four columns, usually vented through an opening in the ceiling. There’s strong archaeological evidence that this palace structure was merely a larger, more grand version of your typical Mycenaean home (a ceremonial hearth being replaced with a functional one), but no one can say for certain.
  8. Psyche was the Greek goddess/personification of the soul and the spirit.
  9. By the Classical Era, the Greeks attributed many female afflictions to the womb wandering around the body. Hippocrates, Plato and the Hellenistic Era physician Arataeus of Cappadocia all wrote about it, crediting it for breathing troubles, various aches, mental issues and more serious diseases. By the 2nd century AD in the Roman Empire, Galen was already disputing the idea of the wandering womb. Probably because he actually dissected animal corpses and learnt that organs can’t just run around the body. (By the 16th century, though, Europe was back to believing the uterus wandered around the body causing breathing problems and general mood swings. This disease was called hysteria until very recently.)
  10. One of the most important but least known events in Greek mythology is the Gigantomachy, in which mother goddess Gaia stages a rebellion against the new gods (Zeus et al) with her sons, the Giants, to get revenge for her imprisoned son (Kronos) and her castrated husband (Ouranos). It was prophesied that the gods would only win with the help of a human, and that help ended up coming in the form of Heracles. I’ve decided to add the Gigantomachy in as one of Yukhei’s many heroic exploits (probably the one that got him the Air Wongs deal), but it has been very hard to place.
  11. I don’t think the Mycenaeans had middle names. Or even family names.
  12. Perseus was born when Zeus came to his mother, Danae, in the form of a “golden shower”. She was locked in a bronze chamber because her father was told that her son would kill him one day.




	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #9: Retrieve the Belt of Hippolyta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the footnotes contains a mention of rape in the context of rape laws. It has been labelled with a content warning.

Yukhei desperately needed to pee. And normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, because he could just find a tree or a chamber pot and go for olive _[_ _1_ _]_ , but right now, he was on the marble floor of the throne room of the Palace of Tiryns, kneeling in front of King Yixing.

AKA his ex-father-in-law.

“Well, well, well!” Yixing boomed, hand tracing his chin ominously. “I won’t pretend I’m not pleased to see you grovelling at my feet.”

His ex-father-in-law, who wants his head on a platter. (Cooked, of course, because only barbarians eat raw meat.)

“But as much as this sight brings me an extreme amount of sensory pleasure,” —that was some weird fucking phrasing— “I fear it’s not enough.”

Yukhei tried to imagine how he looked, down on one knee at the king’s feet, head bowed, lion hide tied modestly around his waist so he didn’t look too intimidating. Rippling abs hidden by his big, big arms. Nothing about his stance seemed insincere. “Not enough?”

“No. I won’t forgive you for ruining my daughter’s chastity.”

Yukhei tilted his head slightly so he could meet De Jun’s eyes through the gap under his armpit. ‘How the hell am I supposed to complete this task if the guy won’t let me?’ he asked with his eyes.

De Jun stood at the far end of the throne room. He shrugged in a way that said ‘I told you so’.

Yukhei’s ninth labour was a mere request for forgiveness from Hera’s favourite king, Yixing of Tiryns. Yixing wholeheartedly believed that Yukhei had married his daughter Yuqi just so he could fuck her once and leave her, thereby ruining her chances of getting married again. And what was a woman if she couldn’t get married? Hera would be so ashamed of her favourite king’s favourite daughter.

Yukhei, of course, never had sex with her. He didn’t go anywhere _near_ any bits that he didn’t have on his own body.

Yuqi was a friend of his and she was complaining about how she’d probably be married to some elderly man with warts on his dick. Yukhei offered to marry her so that she wouldn’t have to marry anyone with warts on their dick. They’d spend the rest of their lives in platonic bliss, maybe make a baby if they _had_ to, but mostly live like glorified roommates and let each other do whatever they wanted. Maybe once a week they’d have dinner together. Occasionally go to the theatre.

Sounded great, right? Yukhei thought so too, right up until after the anakalypteria _[_ _2_ _]_ . His friends sat outside the door to their bridal chamber, making jokes about Yukhei’s massive dick, and Yuqi’s friends sang loudly further away, and they realised they actually had to have sex _[_ _3_ _]_. If not now, then at some point in the future to make babies. And as they gazed into each other’s eyes, they both knew what the other was thinking — that they needed to get a divorce.

So they jumped on the bed and moaned very loudly as Yukhei’s friends cheered them on from outside the door. And then lied about how the sex was so bad they were going to separate. And then Yukhei had to run the fuck out of town so he wouldn’t have to pay a fine for allegedly raping the princess.

Back to the present: Yukhei somehow remembered to bow his head lower during his very brief flashback to wilder times. “My lord,” he said, words sounding rancid in his mouth, “Is there anything at all I can do to deserve your forgiveness?”

Yixing ran a finger through his beard. “You could pay the fine you owe for my daughter’s lost virginity. I hear you received quite the payment after cleaning out Augeas’ stables in Elis.”

“Fuck you. Those are _my_ immortal cows.”

The strangled, kind of sexy groan coming from the back of the room was definitely De Jun’s. He could groan all he wanted; Yukhei had worked hard for those cows!

Yixing feigned a sigh. “Then it seems we are at an impasse.”

Yukhei thought that could be an iconic line had Yixing just delivered it better.

“Or… there is one thing.”

“Yes?”

“As you would know, my daughter is quite the fashionista. And the rage these days is the Amazon queen’s belt. And, well — nothing but the best for my favourite child.”

This was a fucked up request for many reasons. The first being that Yukhei _knew_ for a _fact_ that Air Wongs were still all the rage, and that they were Yuqi’s favourites. She was always sending him pigeons requesting the latest iterations and for exclusive access to any limited editions _[_ _4]_. He’d only received word a few days ago that she wanted the Wong XXXV _[_ _5_ _]_ in Indus Valley Lapis Lazuli _[_ _6_ _]_ . It hadn’t even been _released_ yet. She had to still be a fan, right?

“So you want me to get the Amazon queen’s belt?” Yukhei asked, instead of airing the many grievances he had with this particular ordain.

“It’s either that, or pay the fine —”

“Fine!” Yukhei decided, since he didn’t need to appeal to the king anymore, to stand at his full height. “I’ll get my ex-wife her dumb belt.”

De Jun followed after Yukhei as he stormed out of the megaron _[_ _7_ _]_ , reaching for his shoulder. “Did you have to make it so hard for yourself?”

“I’m not paying a fine for something I didn’t do! And he certainly isn’t getting my immortal cattle.”

“Even just one cow?”

“No!” Yukhei walked briskly to the stables, not even bothering to slow down for his companion, who was struggling to keep up. Not his fault De Jun had short ass (sexy) legs on his short ass (sexy) body. “We’ll leave immediately. I don’t want to stay here. Besides, it’s a long way to Themyscira.”

“How are you going to get there? I don’t have a boat.”

It clenched his heart, how he reached the first of De Jun’s horses exactly as he finished speaking. He turned around, his hair flipping around the back of his head and over his shoulder. ‘Damn,’ he thought, ‘My dramatic timing is impeccable.’ “I have a friend that does.”

“Psps.”

Yeah, so instead of De Jun staring up at him in awe and sexual arousal, all he got was a “psps” from the corner of the stable. Both of them looked around in confusion.

“Pspspspsps.”

De Jun moved as if the gods were compelling him to, towards the source of the noise. Yukhei peered into the darkness to see a young girl waiting in the darkness. He stepped closer to De Jun, just in case that was an Amazon spy who’d got word of Yukhei’s promise and was looking to kill everyone he cared about. “What is it?”

“Heracles!” The young girl bowed, then ran forward and shoved a stack of fabric in Yukhei’s arms. He inspected them further — women’s clothes. “The gynaeceum.” _[_ _8_ _]_

Yukhei nodded in understanding, and rummaged through the clothes he was given. There were two skirts. “Hey, wanna go meet my ex-wife?”

De Jun’s face twisted like he’d smelt something funny. “Not particularly.”

Yukhei shrugged. “Too bad. You’ve been invited.”

It didn’t take long to dress into the skirts and frontless vests _[_ _9_ _]_ , considering neither of them were wearing much to start with. Poor De Jun had to wrap a stole around his very flat chest, but Yukhei was fortunate that his pecs were big enough to be mistaken for breasts.

Thus, they were able to travel the gynaeceum without suspicion. Despite —

“I can’t believe no one has noticed your beard,” De Jun said, in the highest most womanly voice possible. Damn, he was convincing. Was that why Apollo gifted him? “It should be a huge red flag.”

“Eh, I’ve done this a few times already and no one’s figured it out.” Yukhei shrugged. “Slaves are kind of stupid. If they were smart, they probably wouldn’t be slaves.”

“Xuxi!” a familiar deep voice yelled from one of the gardens. Yuqi was short, but acted and sounded like she was six feet tall.

“Xuxi?” De Jun whispered, pulling his stole higher over his shoulders.

“It’s my girl name,” Yukhei replied, before turning to the princess. “Yuqi! It’s been so long.”

“Did you get me the Wongs?”

“I only got your pigeon three nights ago.” He held his arms open and accepted her hug. “It’s not like I had the time to stop at my sponsor’s office in Thebes and pick up a pair.”

Yuqi pulled away, still holding onto his waist, to pout dramatically. It broke him. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve already sent them a pigeon to bring one to you.”

“Thank you! You’re the best.”

“Yeah, yeah. Though I don’t know why I bother, if all you want is an Amazonian belt.”

Yuqi gasped, stepping away quickly. “Oh my gods, no, Xuxi, it isn’t like that!”

“Really? Because I just had a chat with your dad, and —”

“Ugh, my dad is so dramatic. Of course I want the belt, but —”

“So you _do_ prefer the belt over the Wongs!”

“Wongs are shoes! A belt is a belt! Those are two different things and I can wear both at the same time—”

De Jun cleared his throat (and such a deep throat he had), nearly starting both Yuqi and Yukhei out of their current pairs of Air Wongs. “Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Oh, man, Yukhei totally fucked up. He definitely lost xenia points there _[_ _10_ _]_. Like, at least 12. He’d probably still end up in Elysium, but maybe great-grandaddy Perseus wouldn’t talk to him there. Maybe he’d get cursed by the god of hospitality. Who was the god of hospitality again? Was it Hera? Fuck his luck.

“Ah, this is De Jun,” he said quickly, throwing an arm around the oracle. “He’s —”

“Your special companion,” Yuqi finished for him. “Yes, I’ve heard about him, alright.”

Yuqi’s smile was sinister, nose pointing downwards. Oh no.

“No no!” Yukhei yelped, stepping away from the man. “He’s my…” He gestured at De Jun lamely. “He’s. Ah. What are we?”

De Jun raised an eyebrow. “Friends.”

Yuqi whistled. Yukhei briefly considered not giving her the Wongs.

“He’s my friend, and he’s also training to be an oracle,” Yukhei said firmly. “So he’s taken a vow of chastity.” Hint hint, nudge nudge.

Yuqi looked as if she very much didn’t believe him. “Oh! How did you two meet, then?”

Fuck.

Shit.

“Uh.”

“The Lord Apollo told me that I was to follow him around on his great travels in order to complete my studies,” De Jun cut in. “So I tracked him down, and I’m here till the gods tell me I’m to return.”

Yuqi nodded. “I’ve never heard about that before. Like a resisting-the-temptation kind of thing?”

“Exactly.”

“Resisting the temptation of what?” Yukhei asked.

“Is it working?”

“Um. Yes.”

“What’s working?”

“Oooh, I see.”

“What do you see?”

“Actually, it was wonderful to meet you, but I think we should go?” De Jun tugged Yukhei’s sleeve. “I think it’s time for us to go.”

Yukhei was still confused, but the look on De Jun’s eyes was pleading and urgent and Yukhei was, in all aspects except physical, weak.

“Ah, yes,” he nodded. “We have to go do that… thing!”

“Yes, that thing.”

“The thing we have to do.”

“We have to leave and go do it now.”

“Mm,” Yuqi smiled, all too brightly. “Hope you both enjoy your thing you have to do together.”

Fuck, he would never hear the end of this from her. The next Air Wong she asked for she’d get second hand, Yukhei swore on it.

* * * * *

Yukhei was thankful for many things in life, and very close to the top of that list was Mark Lee.

The young Athenian king was a bundle of energy. Always talking. Never knowing how to shut up. Literally _never_ knowing how to shut up. Ever.

It was exactly what Yukhei needed to distract from the weird tension between him and De Jun.

(De Jun didn’t even scowl the same way anymore. Like, okay, he’d been scowling less and less lately, and it wasn’t _bad_ because De Jun’s face was really, really nice when it was free of its frown lines, and sometimes the hard lines on his face softened into a smile and it wasn’t an entirely bad thing that De Jun was being weird, because he looked pretty when he was weird.

But also, could they have a conversation more than ten words long? Could they _please_ have a conversation more than ten words long?)

They were on Mark’s galley on the way to Themyscira _[_ _11_ _]_ . Mark didn’t _need_ to be on the ship with them, since Yukhei had borrowed his boats more than once on his own, but Mark had always wanted to visit the land of the Amazons. As did literally every other man.

Also, being the son of Poseidon meant Mark would take them extra fast. The winds and currents were in their favour. “Maybe dad will send us a hurricane that’ll blow us to Themyscira in two days,” Mark had said when they’d begun their journey. “Who knows what’ll happen!”

“I do _not_ want to be blown by hurricane to Themyscira,” De Jun had insisted.

“I want to be blown, but not by a hurricane,” Yukhei had added. In hindsight, it wasn’t the most helpful addition.

“If you want Mark to suck your dick, maybe ask him directly and do it somewhere where I can’t see it.”

“Oh!” Mark had exclaimed, “Bro, do you want me to suck your dick? You should’ve just asked!”

Yeah. Not his best moment.

But to summarise: Mark was great apart from the provision of galley and crew and his favour with the ocean god and the Athenian riches he’d provided to help placate the Amazons, because he never ever shut up. And that meant Yukhei could focus on Mark instead of De Jun.

Good.

Cool.

De Jun was totally fine talking to Mark, though. Yukhei couldn’t not notice that.

Ugh.

“Surely this isn’t, like, the last thing I have ahead of me, right?” Mark asked De Jun, an elbow precariously hooked around the steering oar _[_ _12_ _]_.

“It isn’t,” De Jun nodded. “I’m just not sure how much I can tell you yet.”

“I won’t mess it up!”

“It’s not a matter of you messing it up. Any prophecy will come true, no matter what you do. But it’s a matter of how knowing your future might affect you. Besides,” De Jun shrugged, “I can’t see the future that clearly. Reception’s shit outside of temple complexes.”

“Reception?”

“Ah, occupational jargon. Apologies.”

“Is there anything at all you can tell me? Even just something little?”

De Jun pursed his pretty pink lips. Yukhei wondered if Mark was seeing the same things he was. “Perhaps… you know your unusually bad luck with women so far?”

Mark groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

“How you ditched the Cretan princess Mina on an island to die?”

“I told you not to remind me! It was an accident!” _[_ _13_ _]_

“Your string of bad luck will continue for the rest of your life.”

“ _What_?! That’s not — tell me some good news!”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Hey,” Yukhei called, “Turn that into dactylic hexameter.”

De Jun’s ears flushed red. Probably ‘cause he sucked at poetry. “I’m not that good, to be honest.”

Called it. “Try it anyway.”

“Um,” De Jun swallowed. His eyes flicked towards Mark in a way that Yukhei did not like. “YOUR string of/ BAD LUCK/ WILL conti/NUE for the/ REST of your/ LIFE… oh yeah./”

“Did you… did you add the ‘oh yeah’ so—”

“I don’t have a very good teacher. She’s from Thebes.”

“Hey!”

“You should come study in Athens!” Mark exclaimed. “Everyone’s a poet in Athens.” _[_ _14_ _]_

“Is that so?” De Jun raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you show us something, then?”

“Mark’s actually a really good poet. Don’t underestimate him.”

Mark waved the compliment away. “I’m above average.”

“He’s ahead of his time. Basically invented poetry.”

“Bro!”

“Seriously, bro.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Mark rubbed the back of his head. “Okay. I do have one I’m working on, but it doesn’t have a meter yet. Super rough, just straight from the heart.”

“I don’t mind,” De Jun shrugged.

“Whoo! Mark Lee!”

“Okay, okay! Here goes.” Mark loosened his arms. “Okay.

“When I’M in the/ HOUSE, guess what/ HAPPens at the/ END it/

AL/WAYS turns to/ BE empty and de/MOLished, I/ KILLED it/

I eVENtually/ ALways/ END up/ STANDing/ AT the/ CENter/ OF it, always/

ENergetic/ STILL clenching, a/ DAMN mic in my/ FIST now/

HOW/ COULD this be/ POSSible/ AM I that/ POWerful/

GUESS that’s why/ RUMours a/ROUND the/WORLD are/ SAYING that/

MARK is abso/LUTEly fully/ CAPable/

NO more rules, just/ DIAL my number/ IF you’re ready to/ HAVE your house/ BLOWN./”

Yukhei couldn’t tell, through the tears in his eyes, whether De Jun looked impressed or aghast. He supposed there was no way De Jun couldn’t _not_ be impressed. “That was beautiful,” he choked out.

Mark beamed in that way Mark did. “You think so?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the tenth muse.”

“ _Bro_.”

“Your meter is quite…” De Jun struggled to find the words, though he was less choked up than Yukhei was. Which was fine, Yukhei preferred if he was the one getting choked up. “…Erratic.”

“Like I said, don’t have a meter yet—”

“But you should keep it. It has a nice beat.”

“What a novel rhythm,” Yukhei sniffled, “You’re changing the world for the better.”

“ _Guys._ ”

“But also, what’s a mic?

“Oh, it’s just—”

“Land ahoy!” one of Mark’s 30 rowers called out, and the three young heroes turned around to see that land, was, in fact, ahoy.

The land of the Amazons, most specifically. Tall, impenetrable walls, lined with dense bush, a paradise waiting for them inside if only they managed to penetrate it.

Every man’s dream. _[_ _15_ _]_

In an hour, they were anchored a few hundred metres away. The Amazons were already on their way in their dinky little fishing boats, less-than-dinky spears pointed at their heads.

“We come in peace!” Mark yelled out, holding two fingers up in both his hands — one for peace and one for vagina. “We brought riches!”

De Jun tapped Mark on the shoulder. “I don’t think they can hear you.”

“Or understand you,” Yukhei added. “Do they even speak Greek?”

“Everyone speaks Greek.” Mark continued his incessant shouting and waving. “Hello! I am the King of Athens!”

At least a dozen bow and arrows were nocked instantly, joining the now more intimidating spears.

“Dude,” Yukhei muttered.

“I am not the King of Athens!” Mark yelled, “I am not the King of Athens!”

Chaos ensued.

Eventually they got to the palace. It took a bit of coaxing and a bit of bribing and a lot of yelling, but they got there — to a grand, domed building _[_ _16_ _]_ , walls painted with colourful murals of dancing women, singing women, warrior women, women having sex with other women, just all women except for when women were setting men on fire or putting spears through their chests or drinking the blood from their decapitated necks.

Neato.

The Queen herself sat on a tall, fur-lined throne, but her clothes were simple linen. Her hair was twisted into two long braids, and instead of the laurel wreath a king would wear, she wore a gold-weaved conical hat. _[_ _17_ _]_ She was surrounded by an entire troop of women, fully armed and armoured except for a missing helmet here or there. Yukhei couldn’t tell much behind their shields, but it was a lot of leather and feathers and legs and it was honestly… really hot.

What? Yukhei was allowed to fantasise about being killed by Amazons if De Jun wasn’t returning his advances. He probably had a better shot with them than with an oracle’s apprentice.

“Stop ogling them,” De Jun hissed by his ear.

“I’m not ogling. I’m just… looking.”

“At their thighs?”

“They’re so strong! Wish I had thighs like that.”

“You already do.”

“No I don— hey, wait a minute—”

“Guys,” Mark whispered, “Shut up, they’ll, like, kill us.”

“ _You_ are telling _us_ to shut up?”

“Friends!” the Queen called out. Her voice felt like being cut by the claws of the Nemean Lion. “Welcome to Themyscira. I’m sorry you had to be brought here in chains, but as you can imagine, we can’t just let anyone into our paradise. I’m sure you understand, not-King-of-Athens.”

Mark nodded his head. “Apologies, miss—”

“Ms.”

“Oh, uh, sorry. _Ms_ Queen.”

“You may call me Irene.”

“Ms Queen Irene. Our security policy in Athens doesn’t discriminate by gender.”

“Oh, but don’t you make up for that by locking your women up in your houses as domestic slaves?”

Mark could only stare back at her with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Yukhei had to admit, she gottem.

“Gottem,” De Jun whispered under his breath. Behind his back, he made a circle with his thumb and index finger, the other three pointing to the ground.

Yukhei wondered if Apollo would allow oracles to marry as long as they didn’t engage in sex.

“Wong Yukhei,” Irene announced, forcing Yukhei to stop making trendy gestures with his own hands. “I understand you’re here for a reason.”

Yukhei nodded. “Ah, yes. I have a bit of a delicate request. You see—”

“You want my girdle.”

Yukhei blinked. “Yeah. How did you—“

“My father.”

“Oh! Holy shit, I forgot Ares was your dad! Does that make you my niece?”

“No. Since you’ve yet to have a sexual harassment scandal unlike your friend here — yes, I’m aware of both your histories, I have friends in high places — I’m willing to give you my girdle.”

“What’s sexual harassment? Wait.” _[_ _18_ _]_

“Just like that?” De Jun asked, clearly focusing on the big issues with his big brain, fit for a philosopher. “You’re going to give it to us?”

“As long as you instruct Yuqi to send it back.” Irene patted at her girdle in a way that seemed to warn them against ripping it off her body. “You are outnumbered, are you not? Even if you are two demigods and a priest. I’d rather not waste my precious time and resources trying to fend off an attempt at petty robbery.”

Yukhei’s mind was swill. It looked and smelt like the result of a long, long night on the undiluted wine. “Okay?”

“But come! Rest for a while. It’s a long journey from Athens.” She gestured to the young girl standing next to her, also armoured but with slightly more gems than the rest of them. “I’m throwing a feast for my daughter, Yerim, to mark ten years since I made her out of clay. Join us.” _[_ _19_ _]_

Yukhei found his eyes flitting to Yerim’s thighs. Before he could be too jealous about how thick and firm they were, De Jun’s elbow dug painfully into his ribs. “Ow!”

“Stop staring.”

“What’s your problem? I wish I had thighs like that.”

Mark poked his face between their shoulders. “Okay, but do you wish you had thighs like that, or do you _wish_ you _had_ thighs like that?”

“Mark.”

“Shut up.”

* * * * *

Some of the many tasks Yukhei had to complete had been easier than expected, but they hadn’t been _easy_. Yukhei still had to work for it. And yes, Yukhei had travelled a long way to get to Themyscira, but the idea that he was just walking away with Irene’s girdle was unsettling.

Still, he tried not to think too much of it. Maybe the moral of this particular story was to face your demons (his ex-father-in-law) and be nice to girls. Yukhei wasn’t sure how being nice to girls was of any benefit to farming or the patriarchy, but sure.

“Thank you!” He waved from their galley, as they moved slowly out to sea. Irene and most of the entire population of Themyscira lined the shores and fishing boats on the water’s edge. “I’ll make sure Yuqi sends the girdle back!”

He had a few shouts back in response, and Irene’s lips moved, but he heard nothing over the sound of the ocean and the loud counting of Mark and the ship’s many rowers.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” De Jun said quietly. He waved along with Yukhei, but he wasn’t smiling the same.

“Did you see something?”

“No. I’m too far away from the Hellas to see anything. But I can feel it in my gut.”

“The souvlaki was kind of undercooked, wasn’t it?”

“No, this isn’t the souvlaki. I’m pretty sure this is my oracular intuition, but it’s weird without being able to see anything.”

“I was getting the feeling things were going too well, here. This is supposed to be a trial, but I didn’t really trial, you feel?”

“I feel.”

“Feel what?

Yukhei felt shivers down his spine at the womanly voice that interrupted them. He turned around slowly to see Princess Yerim standing on deck. De Jun, from the corner of his eye, looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“Is it safe for me to come out?” she asked.

A roar erupted from the Amazon camp, further away but apparently not far enough. Yukhei looked over his shoulder to see spears and arrows on fire, locked and loaded and ready to fire.

“What are you doing here?” De Jun asked.

Yerim smiled. “Mark brought me.”

“Mark?”

“We’re in love!”

Yukhei imagined his expression mirrored De Jun’s as they looked at each other — absolute horror.

Flaming arrows soared over their heads and started hitting their sails. “Mark Lee!” Yukhei roared.

“Fuck! Babe, I told you to count to 300!” Mark yelled, “Everyone! Row faster!”

“I count fast! Damn, what’s got mom’s singular tiddy all up in a twist?” _[_ _20_ _]_

“One, two! One, two! One, two—”

“Poseidon, maker and master of horses,” De Jun muttered under his breath, “Trident-bearer, earth-shaker, lord of the seas, please hurricane us the fuck back to Athens. We will sacrifice you the best ever bull. I’m fucking begging—”

“Row way faster than that!”

“Holy Zeus,” Yukhei breathed, looking into the distance. “Are those clouds…?”

“Hurricane!” De Jun cheered, jumping up and down. “Holy horses, he actually listened to me and sent a hurricane! Fuck yeah, Poseidon! You’re getting one of Yukhei’s immortal cows!”

“Hey, those are _my_ immortal cows!”

“You’ve got others! Come on!”

“That’s less milk!”

“You’re literally sponsored by the goat milk industry! You can’t sell even cow milk! Whoa!”

The Amazons had brought what looked like giant wheeled slingshots, slinging boulders at them only a cyclops was strong enough to throw. One flew right through the mainsail.

“What the hell is that?” Yukhei cried.

“Oh my god, the catapults!” Yerim watched on with considerably less worry. “I invented those.” _[_ _21_ _]_

“You did _what_?”

“Is that hurricane from my dad?” Mark called.

“Yes! I prayed for it and it came right away! The sea god is very prompt.”

“Holy shit, Yukhei, your boyfriend is so powerful.”

“My _what_?”

“But is his boyfriend powerful enough to stop my mother from declaring war on Athens?”

“I’m a sworn virgin.”

“…War?”

“Yeah! But Amazons suck at sailing so it’ll probably take us a few years.” _[_ _22_ _]_

“…I have to go to war?”

“I did tell you you’d have bad luck with women. And this isn’t even half of it.” _[_ _23_ _]_

“What did I ever do wrong?”

“Well, being born for a start —”

So this was Yukhei’s true labour. Travelling with Mark Lee, having him incite the anger of an entire warrior race because he was _horny_ , and hearing the people he loved — well, one he loved and one he Cared Deeply For — bicker while a hurricane blew them right through the Bosphorus and the Dardanelles _[_ _24_ _]_ and all the way back to Athens.

Good one, Hera.

* * * *

Heracles’ ninth labour was to retrieve the Belt of Hippolyta, the Amazon queen, and bring it back to Tiryns to gift to the king’s daughter. The belt is a gift from Ares. In most accounts of the myth, Hippolyta gives Heracles the belt willingly. Hera spreads rumours that Heracles was to take Hippolyta back with him. The Amazons attempt to confront Heracles, but he mistakes it as an act of war, and ends up killing Hippolyta to take her belt instead. Amazons were very much considered "monstrous" in that they were un-Greek; the main point of threat being that women had agency. Another point of contention was that the Amazons were from "the East". The East became an enemy during the Greco-Persian Wars in the 5th century BCE. This concept of turning eastern cultures Into a barbaric, inhuman enemy is a precursor to modern-day orientalism.

Athenian versions of this labour often include their personal hero Theseus on this trip; Mark is a stand-in for Theseus here. The Amazons declare war on Athens when Theseus kidnaps either Hippolyta or her sister Antiope, and this becomes the mythical Attic War. More notes on the Attic War are below.

Heracles’ seventh labour was the capture of the Cretan Bull, which impregnated the Cretan queen Pasiphae to conceive the Minotaur, and generally wreaked havoc on Cretan farms. This bull ends up becoming the Marathonian Bull, wreaking havoc on Marathon, until it’s eventually dealt with by Theseus.

Heracles’ eighth labour was to retrieve four flesh-eating horses owned by King Diomedes of Thrace (not Greek, therefore barbarian). After a long struggle, Heracles ends up feeding Diomedes to the horses, and this calms them permanently.

Footnotes:

  1. The word ‘olive’ is used in place of the word ‘gold’ because the ancient Olympic games present olive wreaths to its winners. 
  2. Anakalypteria was the unveiling of the bride, and important part of the Classical Greek wedding ceremony (outside of Sparta, which had its own customs). The veil was often orange or red, and finalised the giving away of the bride to the groom’s family.
  3. This ritual was called ktupia. The singing and yelling and knocking on the door was supposed to scare off demons, but some historians believe it was also an excuse to make lewd jokes.
  4. Pigeons have been used to send messages since roughly 2000 BCE in Sumer. It’s very likely the Mycenaeans would have used this same system. They were definitely used to proclaim the winner of the Olympic Games.
  5. Roman numerals were not used in Mycenaean Greece. Linear B has no decipherable numerical system.
  6. Lapis Lazuli was one of the most expensive of Bronze Age stones, and was mined in the Indus Valley, modern-day Afghanistan. Afghanistan continues to be the biggest source of lapis lazuli to this day.
  7. The megaron is an architectural form consisting of an open porch, a vestibule (or arctic room) and a hearth in the middle of a hall or throne, as described in the previous chapter. This was a common structure for most Mycenaean palaces, but the palace at Tiryns in particular is one of the most famous archeological instances of it.
  8. The gynaeceum was the innermost part of the house reserved for women — freeborn or slave, married or unmarried. They spent the majority of their day in this part of the house. The gynaeceum has been in Greek houses since the Archaic era. Early archaeologists hypothesised that Mycenaean palaces also had gynaeceums, but they based this information on the fact that the practice existed later in the region, and is therefore not a reliable conclusion.
  9. Mycenaean clothing appeared to be very similar to Minoan clothing, except a bit more geometrical. Women of high status wore flounced skirts and long-sleeved vests that exposed their breasts.
  10. Xenia was another kind of Greek honour in which one offered hospitality to strangers and treated them as old friends. It also had to do with how you treated friends and acquaintances, but mostly with strangers.
  11. Those who are familiar with Themyscira from the world of Wonder Woman would know it as an island, but in real life, Themyscira was actually in north-eastern Turkey (Anatolia). It _may_ have been an island in the Black Sea. There is heavy debate amongst historians, both ancient and modern, as to whether the Amazons actually existed, and most of this debate has been conducted under a patriarchal bias. According to Herodotus in the 4th century BCE, the Amazons were the predecessors of the Sauromatians, a nomadic society in which men and women rode and fought side by side. Archaeologists have since found burials, deemed Sauromatian, with female skeletons buried alongside male skeletons, both equally armed and decorated.
  12. Mycenaean galleys did not have steering wheels the way later ships did. They often had a number of rowers, and then one steering oar, usually controlled by the leader of the ship’s crew. These galleys were surprisingly fast for their time.
  13. Theseus’ most famous myth involves that of the minotaur. He wouldn’t have done it without the help of the Cretan princess Ariadne, who led him through the labyrinth with a string so he wouldn’t get lost. Theseus promised to take her home to Athens and marry her as a reward, but he had a sudden bout of commitment issues halfway there and left her on an island to die. The god Dionysus took pity on Ariadne and married her instead.
  14. Archaic and especially Classical Athens believed itself to be the cultural capital of the world, and therefore the most progressive and civilised. They took a lot of pride in this.
  15. Sexuality was fluid in all eras of Ancient Greece. Men loved to penetrate impenetrable things, regardless of gender, and everything was a penetration metaphor.
  16. This is a bit of a cop-out; the domed architecture is a reference to the Scythian kurgan, which was actually used for burials, not administration. The Scythians were an Iron Age culture of nomads roaming the Eurasian steppe that allowed women to be in power, including leading armies, and they were another culture historians believe were possible descendants of the Amazons had they existed. Kurgans were made with corbelled stone, were shaped like a beehive, and built underground, but similar above-ground corbelled dome structures were common in the area during the Bronze Age.
  17. Irene’s outfit is based on two cultures — the Sarmatians, who likely descended from the aforementioned Sauromatians, and the Scythians, who existed north of them at the same time. Some classifications include the Sarmatians as one of many Scythian cultures. These groups shared many cultural characteristics, but were not the same.
  18. CONTENT WARNING: RAPE. Rape was still considered a crime in most cultures in the Bronze Age, but the seriousness of the offense depended on who it was committed on, and in what situation. There are some situations that would be considered rape today that did not constitute the same in the past. Things we view as sexual harassment today, such as non-consensually undressing another person, or touching them in inappropriate places, were not necessarily crimes if they were committed on slaves, sex workers or war bounty. I’m imagining that all these _would_ be considered crimes in a feminist paradise such as Themyscira, though.
  19. This is just a Wonder Woman reference. No actual mythical basis here.
  20. Amazons were said to either cut their right breast off (Herodotus) or have them cauterised at birth so they wouldn’t grow (Hippocrates). This apparently made archery more convenient. There’s no evidence that Sauromatian or Scythian women did this, despite also being proficient at archery.
  21. Catapults and similar siege weaponry wouldn’t actually be used in the Mediterranean and Near East until a thousand years later.
  22. This becomes the mythical Attic War, or Amazonomachy. There’s no evidence that this war actually took place, but was one of many myths the Greeks used to create their identity. By defeating barbarous races such as centaurs and the Amazons, the Greeks portrayed themselves as civilised, and solidified their right to defeat everything “monstrous”, or un-Greek. 
  23. Theseus has _terrible_ luck with women. After the war, Hippolyta or Antiope bears Theseus a son named Hippolytus, who scorns love and becomes a devotee of Artemis. Theseus eventually ditches the Amazon for his first girlfriend Ariadne’s sister Phaedra. Aphrodite, angry at Hippolytus, curses Phaedra into falling in love with him, and when he rejects her, she accuses him of raping her. Theseus either curses Hippolytus, who then gets dragged to death by his chariot, or kills him himself, and Phaedra hangs herself out of guilt.
  24. The Bosphorus and the Dardanelles together make up the Turkish straits that divide Europe and Asia.




	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #11: Steal the Apples from the Garden of the Hesperides.

Awkward silence wasn’t Yukhei’s favourite soundtrack. In fact it was one of his least favourite soundtracks. Second or third least, maybe. 

At least he knew what the problem was.

The problem was that after spending almost a year chasing cows all over the known world _[_ _1_ _]_ , and several years altogether on this infernal plotline, Hera decided two of Yukhei’s quests were so-called “invalid”, and the rest of the gods had so-called “debated” and so-called “agreed” that she was so-called “right”. Apparently he wasn’t supposed to solicit De Jun’s help in killing the hydra, and apparently he wasn’t supposed to get paid for cleaning those stables. How was he supposed to know? He didn’t realise doing penance meant he couldn’t get something out of it.

Besides, all he’d done was eat rice! And after giving it some thought, he’d had absolutely no regrets about it. Rice was great, and if he didn’t have sponsorship deals to worry about, he’d up and root to Japan to become a rice farmer. He’d do it!

He did feel bad, though, that De Jun hadn’t been allowed to go back. This journey was of almost no use to him, and he’d never wanted to come in the first place — and now, instead of going back to Orchomenus to do his duty, he was stuck in this holy chauffeur job because of Yukhei’s own mistakes.

He felt bad. He really did.

“Hey,” De Jun called, snapping Yukhei out of his train of thought.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t think too much. You’ll send your brain running around your body in a frenzy.”

Yukhei raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t that only work for wombs?”

“Women have wombs, men have brains.”

Yukhei bit back a smile. De Jun was sweet when he wasn’t grumpy; he was privileged to be on the receiving end of it.

He didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of it right now, though.

“Hey.” De Jun’s voice was softer this time. “You’ll get through it, just like you always do. You’re Wong Yukhei.”

Yukhei shook his head. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

De Jun hummed. Yukhei wasn’t sure if that meant he wanted him to talk about it or not, but the Oracle kept looking over his shoulder, so he guessed the floor was his.

“I’m just sorry you still have to travel with me.”

“Eh, it won’t last long.”

“I know you were really excited about going home.”

“I was.”

Yukhei watched as they passed a small milestone marking halfway between Perachora and Pylos. He supposed there was no point discussing wanting to go home now.

Man, did he miss Boetia.

“It would be nice to go home,” De Jun repeated, as if once wasn’t enough to make Yukhei feel guilty. “But I’ve come to enjoy travelling with you.”

Yukhei’s head whipped around so fast he felt dizzy. “What?”

“I won’t say it again.”

Yukhei’s mouth opened, closed, and opened again. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. And I mean literally, don’t mention it, ever. To anyone.”

Yukhei cracked a grin. “My lips are sealed.”

Silence was a little less awkward after that. There was still something there that set Yukhei on edge. He pretended he didn’t know what it was.

The road to Pylos wasn’t long, considering they had fresh horses, but the journey ahead of that was even longer, and the thought intimidated Yukhei. His task this time was to steal the famous golden apples from the Garden of Hesperides. This one was slightly more impossible than the last because, for the first time, they had _no_ clue where they were going. De Jun was receiving radio silence from the gods, except for the words “west by sea”.

But how far west? The farthest west Yukhei had ever gone was to get to Geryon’s ranch in Libya _[_ _2_ _]_ , and even that hadn’t taken him all the way to the end of the world. Would he have to go all the way to Atlantis _[_ _3_ _]_ ? Who the hell would plant a garden in the middle of the ocean? Actually, maybe Hera would. No, not Hera — one of the ocean goddesses. Amphitrite? _[_ _4_ _]_ Did she like gardens? Did they even _have_ ocean gardens? Yukhei made a mental note to ask Mark next time he saw him. (Assuming he hadn’t been killed by Amazons.)

But apart from just “west”, where there was an ocean, everything else was a mystery. He had no idea where the Garden of Hesperides was and how he could begin to find it.

“I wonder how long this one’s going to take,” Yukhei mused.

De Jun spared him a glance before focusing back out on the road. “I’m sure the gods have a plan. The ones that aren’t Hera are looking out for you.”

“Or Hephaestus.”

“What? What’s your beef with Hephaestus?”

“One time he asked me if his butt looked fat in his leather apron and I didn’t respond. Don’t look at me like that! It wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t expecting the question!”

“Didn’t Hephaestus make the krotala that helped you out with the Stymphalian Birds?”

“Yeah, but Athena asked for those, and what Athena wants, Athena gets.”

“Well, I’m glad she’s looking out for you, then. She or someone else will make sure shit doesn’t hit the oculus.” _[_ _5_ _]_

Shit hitting an oculus. Shit — any kind of shit, De Jun didn’t specify — flying so high it hits the oculus. Gods, why was there even shit in the air in the first place? That was so funny, what the fuck.

“You’re so funny,” Yukhei breathed.

The low sun made the tips of De Jun’s ears look red. “Tell me that again when I repeat the same joke over and over again on a boat for four months.”

* * * * *

“Wow.” Yukhei leaned against the steering oar of their humble galley as he surveyed the wide, wide ocean in front of him. The not-so-scary ocean, now that he had literally wrestled and defeated an ocean god. (Not _the_ ocean god, obviously. Even Zeus couldn’t save him if he got on Poseidon’s bad clay tablet. No, this was just Proteus, who didn’t mind a sexy wrestle with a young man every once in a while.) The Old Man of the Sea _[_ _6_ _]_ had stared up at Yukhei with awe and sexual arousal once he’d bested the god, and it couldn’t help but rub the ego a little. He’d spent years on the road with a sword virgin who wouldn’t even look in his direction! He could indulge!

It would be way nicer if De Jun can look at him like that. But the thing about wild fantasies was that they remained wild fantasies.

(Except De Jun had looked pretty impressed. Not ready-to-bend-Yukhei-over-and-spear-him-through-the-intestines impressed, but it was something.)

“Wow,” Yukhei repeated. “That was great.”

“What was great?” De Jun was rigging one of the sails and god, did his arms look good while he was doing that. God, that was so sexy.

“That whole thing with Proteus. Whew! It’s been ages since I actually wrestled a human being.”

“I really thought you were going to lose.”

“Against that old thing? Nah.”

“Should I even bother explaining to you why you shouldn’t talk shit about all-powerful beings?”

“Don’t even bother, they’re my cousins! They know I don’t mean it. Well,” Yukhei tilted his head, “Proteus isn’t my cousin, actually. I don’t think we’re related. He’s, like, as old as time or something. Also I think he’s from Egypt.” _[_ _7_ _]_

“Doesn’t that mean—”

“But he _might_ be Poseidon’s son. I’ll get back to you on that.” _[_ _8_ _]_

“Okay.” De Jun stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose, but jerked as he lost grip of the rope he was tying. “Shit! Okay. I’m glad he gave us answers, though.”

“Yeah, I really charmed the perizoma off of him.”

“Try not to lose your head while it’s in the clouds, Yukhei.”

“Hey, do you think the shit would hit my head instead of the oculus if we’re in the open air?”

Yeah, it’d been ages and Yukhei still wasn’t over that joke.

“If you want shit to hit your head, Yukhei, then shit will hit your head.”

“That’s so romantic.”

De Jun scoffed, and the sunlight hit his ears funny again. “Romance will never be my destiny.”

Yukhei’s heart sank down to his ass. “Bummer.”

The oracle yanked especially hard on a knot he was tying, biceps flexing under the effort. “Bummer.”

Yukhei recapped the journey’s events in his head so his mind wouldn’t be a constant stream of De Jun and his arms.

One: they’d arrived at Pylos late, and gotten access to a small ten-person galley and crew, thanks to the prince of Pylos having a not-so-little crush on Yukhei. He had no idea where it came from. He’d met little Renjun at a games or two and beat him at a wrestli— oh, it was probably the wrestling. Yeah, now that Yukhei thought about it, he does recall his dick nestling right into the crook of Renjun’s ass for about two seconds. It was totally accidental and Yukhei just found it uncomfortable, really, considering Renjun barely had an ass, but he could see why that would leave an impression.

Oh no.

Poor thing. _[_ _9_ _]_

Anyway, they’d borrowed the galley from Renjun. De Jun wasn’t too happy about how Yukhei shouldn’t “lead the poor boy on” and should at least “get him a job or something, if you won’t fuck him”, but as far as Yukhei was concerned, they needed a boat and he’d take what he’d get. He’d let Renjun down gently once this was all over. Assuming he survived.

If he died before he could talk to Renjun, he’d send Yuqi a clay tablet and tell her to talk to him. Yeah, send his ex-wife to talk to someone whose feelings he can’t return! Great idea.

Two: they’d run into Proteus on the island of Pharos. Yukhei had wrestled Proteus into submission while he was shaped like a crocodile _[_ _10_ _]_ until his crocodile dick was hard (it had kind of been hard from the start, and surprisingly swishy? _[_ _11_ _]_ ) and instead of a sexual reward — which, frankly, Yukhei did not want — he offered the location of the Garden of the Hesperides instead. The location being at the end of the Atlas mountains that sat at the end of the world, except not on the, like, ecumene part of the mountain, but the other side that no man had ever been before. And yeah, Proteus had even thrown in a freak current to get them over there extra fast, but, like. Come on! There was a mountain in the way!

What was in those fucking apples for the location to be so fucking extra for?

Three: that’s it. They were on their way to the end of the world. And doing so cheerfully too. Or, at least Yukhei was cheerful, because a primordial being thought he was hot. De Jun wasn’t so cheerful but De Jun was a little less cheerful than most.

“It’s nice to be complimented every once in a while,” Yukhei said out loud.

De Jun rested against the main mast of the galley, catching his breath. “Don’t you get complimented enough?”

“Plenty,” Yukhei admitted. “But it’s always, ‘Oh Heracles, you’re so strong!’ or, ‘Look at your rippling abs, Heracles!’ Which is nice, but it’s not—“ Yukhei made a vague gesture in the air.

“And what did Proteus have to say that was so different from everyone else?”

“He said he liked my calloused fingers.”

De Jun’s face blanked. “I see.”

“It’s cute! Makes a man feel young again.”

“You _are_ young.”

Yukhei wouldn’t be fazed. He shrugged De Jun’s comment away and went back to not really steering their galley forward. No need to steer when there was a strong current and ten slaves rowing them along it. Okay, false, there was a need, but Yukhei trusted Proteus. He had liked Yukhei’s calloused fingers.

“I don’t know about your calloused fingers, but you have a good sense of humour.”

Yukhei whipped around to stare at De Jun. Had he really—

“Figured you could do with a pick-me-up before you go steal those apples from Hera’s garden. I hear there’s a dragon guarding the thing.”

His heart thumped so hard in his chest it was almost all he could hear. He had to say something back. What should he say back? How could he even begin to process all the nice things he had to say about De Jun—

“Land ahoy!”

Fucking cockblocked by land _again_.

“Is that the one?” De Jun asked, squinting up at the sky. Yukhei followed his gaze and noticed a man sitting on the tallest peak of the mountain range, sitting right at the centre, holding the sky on his shoulders.

Oh, of course. Atlas was holding up the sky at the end of the earth. That made sense.

De Jun scanned the range around them. They were basically surrounded by mountains left, right and centre, with no way through. “The rocks are too steep, and I can’t even see a path or an opening…”

“Hey!” Yukhei called with his whole chest.

“He won’t hear you from all the way up there.”

“Hey! Mr Atlas, sir? Is this where I can find the Garden of Hesperides?”

It was a while before a response came back: “Yes!”

“Holy shit,” De Jun muttered under his breath.

“He’s a god,” Yukhei explained, as if an oracle wouldn’t know that. “They know everything, kind of. How do we get up there?” Yukhei boomed.

“You don’t!” Atlas boomed back.

“What?”

“You come up the other side!”

“How do we get to the other side?”

“You don’t!”

“Well, he’s helpful,” De Jun scoffed.

Yukhei placed a hand on his shoulder. He stared up at the mountain ahead of him — the big one, right in the middle. Its peak, where Atlas was sitting, was slightly off centre, to the left. He’d heard all that sat beyond it was just the great, blue ocean, so maybe…

“Bring us closer to the mountain,” Yukhei said.

The rowers started moving immediately. De Jun clearly had questions, but didn’t say anything, even as the galley got dangerously close to scraping itself against the cliff surface. Yukhei made his way over to the bow, and cracked his knuckles.

“Hey, what are you—”

Yukhei let his arm swing in wide circles until it came crashing down on the cliff face. In seconds, there was a crack, and then an even bigger crack, and then it was fucking raining rocks and boulders until Yukhei could see the ocean beyond the mountain range.

Ouchie. _[_ _12_ _]_

“Holy f— you can just do that?”

Yukhei blew at his slightly sore knuckles. “Not a son of Zeus for nothing.”

“Well, that’s— wow, that’s terrible for our boat. I hope Renjun’s okay with the fact that you blew the front off—”

“There are better boats in the garden!” Atlas boomed.

“Thanks, dude!”

“You still can’t sail over there! There’s a dragon in the way and it’ll get you before you dock!”

“Then how are we supposed to get to the garden?”

“Come up here and I’ll tell you!”

That sounded suspicious, and De Jun _said_ it sounded suspicious, but he still got on Yukhei’s back as the demigod rockclimbed his way up to the Titan. It took a surprisingly short amount of time, and Yukhei suspected the strength of the gods — or maybe even just Atlas — was with him. No complaining on his end, though! He’d take what he’d get.

It was pretty cold, though, being mostly naked up on a mountain.

“Alright, Atlas,” Yukhei huffed, as he stretched himself out. “What’s the go?”

Yukhei hadn’t met a lot of Titans — or any Titans, so far — but something about Atlas set him on edge. He wasn’t as old as Proteus but old enough to intimidate, still not quite old enough to trust.

Hm.

“I could tell you where it is, but the way is really complicated,” Atlas said. His voice was breathy and weak, no doubt from holding the fucking sky on his shoulders. “You wouldn’t want to go alone either. Very dangerous.”

_Hm._

“Best if I show you the way.”

_Hmmm_.

“Only problem with that is, someone’s gotta carry the sky for me if I can’t do it, so how about you hold this up while I go—”

“Uh uh.” Yukhei held a finger up before Atlas could continue. “I cannot have you completing my task for me. That’ll make it null and void and I don’t want to go on even _more_ tasks.”

Atlas pursed his lips. “Well, I’m telling you, you need an escort to that dragon, ‘cause it’s complicated, and also a protected area. I can definitely escort you, since my daughters live there and I have a visitors’ pass, but I can’t do it if I’m holding the sky—”

“Pass.” Yukhei slung an arm around De Jun. “We can find our own way around, thank y—”

“I’ll do it.”

“You’ll do what.”

De Jun ignored Yukhei. “How long will you take?”

“About half an hour, give or take a few hours.”

“And I just have to hold it up? Nothing else? No dials to change the colour, or…?”

“Nothing else! The sky works itself. Science is so amazing.”

“De Jun,” Yukhei hissed, “This task will get disqualified.”

De Jun’s eyes were sharp, and his jaw was set. “You’re going to be escorted to the garden, which I would have done anyway, and you’re going to steal those apples yourself. I’m holding this sky up to help _Atlas_ , not you.”

“You’re not a demigod. What are you doing?”

“It’s only temporary.”

“Don’t trust him.”

“I can take care of myself.”

There was no changing his mind.

Atlas seemed all too eager to transfer his burden onto De Jun. The strain on the mortal was obvious; De Jun’s nearly fell to the ground, eyes screwed shut, as he felt the full weight of the sky on his back. Yukhei knelt next to him, just to make sure he wouldn’t drop it. He was pretty sure he could see a vein popping through his temple.

“Are you sure?” Yukhei asked.

De Jun opened just one eye, but it was full of pure pain. “I’m okay. Go get them apples.”

Yukhei wanted to brush the already sweaty strands of hair away from his face, but Atlas was standing behind him, tapping his foot erratically. And doing that wouldn’t be very platonic, anyway.

He pulled away from De Jun and got to his feet. “Okay. Let’s go.”

* * * * *

The rest of it was standard. Navigate down the summit towards the sprawling garden, sneak past Hera’s weird thousand-eyed guard that Yukhei thought was dead but apparently was just chilling at the end of the world _[_ _13_ _]_ , go through a couple of mazes (one flesh-eating) and then slay the dragon that sat at the _actual_ entrance of the garden and steal a whole bunch of golden apples and go. All while fending off Atlas’ weird, invasive questions. _Why_ did he want to know if Zeus’ dick was as big as Yukhei’s? How was Yukhei supposed to know? He’d seen the same statues as everyone else. He didn’t need to know the tools involved in his existence.

He wanted to get it done as quickly as possible. He needed to get back to De Jun.

He’d noted Atlas had seemed younger the more time he spent running around free, and suspected the opposite was happening to De Jun as he held up the sky. Sure enough, De Jun knelt on the ground, arms and legs straining under the effort, face sallower and tiny bits of grey dotting his hairline.

It was terrible. But also really hot. It was nice to know that De Jun would continue to be sexy in Yukhei’s growing-old-together fantasies that would probably keep him company for the rest of his life.

“De Jun? You’re still alive,” Yukhei tapped his knees. “It’s okay. Atlas is going to take the sky back, now.”

“Uh, false,” the Titan said. He had an ugly grin on his face, like a cat that ate the cannery. Or a goat that ate nice hay set out for the cows. Or a Greek man that just ate rice for the first time.

“What false?”

“I will not be taking the sky back.”

Yukhei stared blankly at the Titan, who was picking leaves out of his beard.

“What? Why should I take it back now that you’re holding it? What’s to stop me from just,” Atlas twiddled his fingers, “Running away?”

Nah, fuck off.

“I’ll stop you,” Yukhei snapped, voice low. It caught Atlas off guard a little — and good! He should be worried! What an asshole. “I’ll push you back under the sky if I have to—”

“Hey,” De Jun grunted out, and Yukhei thought, ‘Cockblocked _again_.’ “That’s cool, you can do whatever you want and all. I wouldn’t want to take the sky back either if I was you, you know? Ha ha.”

What was he doing?

“But before you go, my cloak is about to slide off and it’s pretty cold up here? If someone could just hold the sky for a few seconds so I could adjust it, that would be great.”

De Jun locked eyes with Yukhei, and Yukhei suddenly understood.

“Ooh!” Yukhei yelped just as Atlas turned towards him. “Oh no, I got an itch that I simply must get to!” He reached over his shoulder and scratched it faintly. “Oh, and on my feet! And knees — what’s this? It’s so itchy here! What on earth is going on?”

“Alright,” Atlas sighed. “I’ll take it off of you, because I’m a nice person. But only for a few seconds, because I’m not _that_ nice.”

Yukhei hid his grin in his thighs. He pretended to keep itching as Atlas slowly transferred the weight of the sky onto his shoulders, so as not to crush De Jun — and as soon as the oracle was free, Yukhei reached for his hands and snatched him away.

“Hey!”

“Come on!” Yukhei cried, lacing his hands with De Jun’s. “On my back!”

As Yukhei scaled the rock face, missing the feeling of De Jun’s hand in his, the priest chanted under his breath. “Hear me, Silverbow, protector of Chryse, Lord of Holy Cilla, Master of Tenedos, Smithian God of Plague! Hear me, Poseidon, who circle the earth, and do not begrudge me the accomplishment of these actions for which I pray you—”

It was low, kind of hoarse, and Yukhei couldn’t help himself. “What you did there was so _sexy_ , dude.”

“I— you— Yukhei, I’m _praying_.”

“I’m sorry, I had to say it! You’re so smart, it’s so hot.”

De Jun buried his face into the back of Yukhei’s neck. “I’m trying to make sure the gods save our asses, will you shut up?”

“Please continue whispering into my ear like that.”

“Fuck’s sake,” De Jun whispered, right down Yukhei’s body, up his asshole and up against his prostate. “King Zeus, lord of the Dodona, god of the Pelasgi, who dwellest afar, you who hold wintry Dodona in your sway—”

“You’re doing great!”

“ _Gods_ … where your prophets, the Selli, dwell around you with their feet unwashed and their couches washed upon, I am once again asking you to get us the fuck out of here, and fast, mega fast, pretty, pretty please—” _[_ _14_ _]_

Truthfully, Yukhei didn’t think they needed the help. With the apples in the makeshift pouch he’d made out of his lion-hide cloak, and with De Jun clinging to his back, he could probably achieve absolutely anything.

‘Quest number 12?’ he thought, ‘Come right at me.’

* * * * *

Most versions of the myth have Heracles’ 2nd and 5th labours being deemed invalid, because he had help or accepted payment. There are other labours in which Heracles definitely received help, but for whatever reason, these were the only two singled out.

The 11th task was meant to be the first of two impossible tasks for Heracles to complete. Getting to the Garden of the Hesperides was considered a dangerous journey, being as it was at the end of the world, and stealing golden apples sacred to Hera presented a whole other challenge. The garden had never been broken into before, but after Heracles, the garden was visited by both the Argonauts, who fucked around with the Hesperides for a while, and Eris, goddess of discord, who would use one of the apples to begin the Trojan War. It is possible that the golden apples were just oranges, which were unknown to the Greeks until the 5th century AD. 

There are two versions of this labour. One in which Heracles holds the sky up while Atlas collects the apples for him. This one has been called into question in antiquity itself as to why it wasn't disqualified, as Heracles is not completing the task himself. It could be argued that the act of holding up the sky was labour enough. (Along with the flat earth, the Greeks believed the sky was also a disk that needed to be held up so that it wouldn't crush the people on the earth's surface.)

The second version has Heracles sneak in as per usual, without Atlas' help, and slay the dragon. I have combined both versions for this story. 

The 10th task involved retrieving a herd of red cattle from the three-headed giant Geryon. The cattle itself weren’t all that special, but were heavily guarded, and after Heracles managed to get a hold of them, Hera sent a gadfly after them to scatter them all around the world. You could probably find another agricultural metaphor in this.

Footnotes:

  1. The ‘known world’ for the ancient Greeks — and potentially also the Mycenaeans — was very small. The earth (Gaia) was a disc surrounded by the sea (Oceanus), and there was only a selection of it that the Greeks would allow themselves to travel through — this was known as ecumene. By Herodotus’ time in the 5th century BCE, this stretched from a little past the Strait of Gibraltar to the Indus Valley and up to the Scandinavia. It is possible that the Mycenaeans knew of land further east than the Indus Valley, but not certain; the Mycenaeans and China had mutual trading partners, although we have no proof of China trading with an Aegean culture until 130 BCE.
  2. The previous task took place across the Libyan desert (today the Sahara) in a land called Erytheia, which is supposed to be at the end of the world, but for the purposes of this story, I’m setting it closer to Carthage, in modern day Tunisia. The area of Carthage wasn’t settled by Phoenicians until the 8th century BCE, but was inhabited by pastoral nomads, of which we can assume Geryon is one.
  3. Atlantis was actually a fictional island fabricated by Plato. He believed it existed beyond the Strait of Gibraltar. The Atlantic Ocean gets its name from Atlantis.
  4. Amphitrite was the wife of Poseidon.
  5. The oculus is the hole in the ceiling (usually of a dome) that sits over the hearth.
  6. The Old Man of the Sea was a term used by Homer to refer to the primordial god Proteus, but has been used to refer to many other minor sea gods since. Hungarian scholar Karoly Kerenyi uses the term ‘Old Man of the Sea’ to refer to Nereus, but because Proteus plays the exact same role he does in Kerenyi’s retelling as he does in Homer’s _Odyssey_ , I’ve chosen to refer to Proteus. Proteus specific domain (if he had one) was “elusive sea change”. He either has prophetic powers or is almost omniscient, but is a shapeshifter that refuses to answer any questions until he is caught.
  7. According to Homer, Proteus resided on the island of Pharos on the Nile delta, which would later become the site of the famous Lighthouse of Alexandria. This is also a reference to how some translations write Proteus as an immortal king of Egypt rather than a god. The confusion arises because Proteus has been referred to by Euripedes as a King, although Euripedes’ version is not immortal and is not the same as the god Proteus.
  8. Greek mythology is complicated and all versions are equally correct.
  9. Renjun here represents Nestor, the future King of Pylos. Nestor was one of the Argonauts, and was one of the oldest and wisest kings to fight on the side of the Greeks in the Trojan War. He was one of Heracles’ many male lovers in his youth.
  10. A reference to Sobek, Egyptian god of the Nile, half-man, half-crocodile. Egypt was a river culture, so its pantheon focused on the Nile and its estuaries more than the ocean. The closest to a sea god they have is the non-binary Wadj-wer, the personification of the Mediterranean Sea around the Nile delta. Wadj-wer would have been more relevant to Proteus, but Sobek is more instantly recognisable. (Also, crocodile dick.)
  11. Crocodiles have permanently erect penises that very quickly pop in and out of what look like vaginal openings. They are surprisingly swishy.
  12. This is how the Greco-Romans believed the Strait of Gibraltar was made! The Rock of Gibraltar and either the Monte Hacho in Cueta or the Jebel Musa in Morocco, collectively, are known as the Pillars of Hercules. In this story, I’m going with Jebel Musa because it is taller and more impressive.
  13. Argos Panoptes was a giant with eyes all over his body, usually quoted as a hundred or a thousand. He was Hera’s servant and incredibly loyal to her.
  14. All of these are real prayers used in Homer’s poems.




	7. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour #12: Capturing Cerberus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references death.

Yukhei had never been in a cult, and there were many reasons for this.

One, he couldn’t talk about it, and Yukhei talked about absolutely _everything_. He couldn’t keep a secret to save his life.

Two, because of his reputation and all his sponsorship deals, he couldn’t align himself with the one cult and risk alienating people who weren’t a part of it. He had to remain secular, you know? For the good of the state.

That being said, there was one particular cult that Yukhei had always had a mind to join, when his celebrity career died down and he’d finally moved to that farm, and hopefully someone had opened an instalment of the cult right next door so he wouldn’t have to travel all the way to Eleusis _[_ _1_ _]_ every year. He felt like he’d travelled enough to last a lifetime.

The Eleusinian Mysteries were all the rage amongst the kids these days. He knew Mark basically presided over it, and Yuqi had sent him word that she’d initiated not long after their divorce. None of them could talk about it, and Yukhei was suffering massive FOMO because he had no idea what was going on.

Except for the kykeon _[_ _2_ _]_. Mark had told him the kykeon was especially good at the mysteries. Whatever that meant.

Now, Yukhei was finally getting initiated, but he couldn’t find it within himself to be excited about it.

Okay, it didn’t help that he’d been listening to speeches all day. About letting go of your material self and being elevated only by existing in the soul, or whatever the fuck. It was kind of hard to ignore his material self when his material self was about to enter the Underworld and probably die there. _[_ _3_ _]_

Sheesh.

He didn’t even have Mark to chat to, because Mark was _giving_ the speeches. And he tried to support him, he really did. 

“Imma SHOW/ you how to BALL,/ you a MIS/match,” he recited to the crowd, and the crowd whispered in confusion. Unlike them, Yukhei supported Mark’s unconventional poetic technique, but he felt dead inside. Even as they sacrificed a piglet and he bathed in the River Ilisos, he felt nothing.

Perhaps if De Jun had been there, things would’ve been easier. But De Jun couldn’t participate in the mysteries as an Oracle-in-training, and it wasn’t like De Jun could join him in the Underworld, anyway.

He was all alone for this one.

“Enjoy the kykeon,” he remembered De Jun telling him just before he’d left for Eleusis. “I’ll see you when you’re done, and we can go find the Underworld together.”

Okay, not entirely alone. He had about a day with De Jun yet. Besides, De Jun would always be there in his heart, no matter where he was.

Ugh. He needed a drink.

Day two provided kykeon when day one didn’t, and so did day three, and Yukhei wished there was a day four because, holy shit, this kykeon really _was_ everything Mark was making it out to be! Yukhei felt like he could see his hands in five different colours, and suddenly he knew all the secrets to the universe. _[_ _4_ _]_

Also, sometimes the priest held him by the head and forced him to hold his breath for a really long time, and it made him feel like his head swam. God, it felt great. He finally understood what the big deal was! His flesh prison was an absolute sham and all he wanted to do was leap out of it and straight into the Underworld, where—

No, no. He needed his flesh prison for his final task. He had to go to the Underworld _alive_ ; Hera would accept nothing less.

It wasn’t until the very end that Yukhei finally saw what he needed to see. He was lying against Mark’s chest, watching the murals on the ceiling dance around him, when he suddenly had it. Clear, bright as day where the rest of his kykeon visions had been hazy.

“Tainaron,” Yukhei murmured to no one.

“What was that?” Mark asked dopily.

“Tainaron,” Yukhei said, louder. “There’s a cave near there, right?”

Several people around them chorused “right”. Murmurs of how it was the entrance to the Underworld.

“That’s where I need to go.”

“Bro.” Mark placed a tiny hand on Yukhei’s giant thigh. “Dude. Why do you need to go to the Underworld?”

“It’s my next task.”

“That’s so weird. Why do you keep having to do these crazy tasks?”

“Honest answer?” Yukhei waited for Mark to nod. “I ate rice.”

Mark immediately flushed red. “Oh my gods. Me too, but don’t tell anyone.”

“You ate rice?” Yukhei hissed in alarm. “But you’re the King of Athens! You guys think you’re the superior race!” _[_ _5_ _]_

“Yeah, that’s why you can’t tell anyone!” Mark whined. “Dad fucking loves rice, he takes me out to eat it all the time. And sushi!”

“Su-what?”

“It’s raw fish—”

“How come you get to eat raw meat and don’t get punished for it?”

Mark shrugged. “Hera doesn’t hate me. Besides, I’m, like, already cursed.”

Yukhei rubbed his eyes. “Don’t you have Yerim?”

“Shut _up_ ! We’re on a _break_!”

“Fucking oath, Mark.”

“Anyway, Tainaron.” Mark lazily jerked a thumb at himself. “Need a ride?”

Yukhei shook his head. “I’m covered. I’ve had a chauffeur since the beginning.”

“De Jun still around?”

Yukhei nodded.

“He’s been around a while.”

“Yep.”

Mark nodded at nothing in particular. “He’s cute.”

Yukhei practically melted against Mark’s chest. “He’s _so_ cute.”

“I can’t believe you’ve finally fallen in love.”

“I _know_! And of all the people, it had to be an oracle!”

“I know I have bad luck, but this is pretty bad, bro.”

“I know.”

“I fall in love with a new person every other week, so at least I have diversity, you know? You don’t even have that.”

“I’m too faithful,” Yukhei whined.

“Such a shame. I’d totally fuck you if you weren’t a virgin.”

“No you wouldn’t. You’d want me to fuck you instead.”

“You know people switch, right? Like, I know they told us we’re always supposed to receive at first, but things don’t actually work like that. You know that, don’t you?”

Yukhei sighed in response. Of course people switched, he wasn’t stupid. Everyone knew the natural order was for the penetrated to become the penetrator once they’d accumulated enough wisdom from other people’s dicks. _[_ _6_ _]_

Yet, instead of planning up a witty response, Yukhei felt his eyelids get heavy. Perhaps the undiluted wine he was drinking alongside the kykeon was finally giving him the sleep he deserved.

He yawned, big and loud. “I’ll answer you in the morning, Mark.”

“Kinky.”

“Good night, doofus.”

* * * * *

Yukhei stared into the mouth of the cave and thought, ‘This is it. This is where I live or die.’

And then he considered dictating that to whoever would listen, so poets could quote it exactly when they eventually sung his praise in his epic poetry _[_ _7_ _]_ , but then he realised the only person listening was De Jun.

De Jun, who’d waited on the outskirts of Eleusis for him as he went high as a kite.

De Jun, who’d used most of their savings over the journey to buy him the fattest, prettiest pig, just in case Yukhei needed to do some emergency sacrificing.

De Jun, who spent the night big-spooning Yukhei, even though that’d probably get him in some kind of scandal once he got back to the temple. Maybe not, because it was entirely innocent — _dammit_ — but he didn’t have to do that.

They hadn’t discussed the fact that only one mortal had ever come back from the Underworld alive. Dionysus didn’t count, since he was always a god to start with. Zeus fucking sewed him to his thigh as a fetus. What kind of mortal birth was that? _[_ _8_ _]_ Even Yukhei had the decency to come out of a regular ol’ womb. Hera postponed his birth a little so he wouldn’t be King of Mycenae, but that was about as weird as it got on his end. _[_ _9_ _]_

The only other mortal was Orpheus, and he’d survived. But Yukhei was pretty sure he wished he hadn’t. _[_ _10_ _]_

“You have everything you need?” De Jun asked. He was standing unusually close to Yukhei, enough that soft hair on his arms grazed Yukhei’s skin.

“I think so.”

“Olive?

Yukhei sighed. “I can’t believe they’re taking payment, now.”

“Let’s hope Charon will give you a free pass, considering you’re not actually dead. _[_ _11_ _]_ You have the emergency pig?”

Of course he had the emergency pig. It was squealing right next to them. “Yeah.”

“Remember, this is a side entrance. If you see any minor chthonic gods, you’re going the wrong way.”

“It was all in my vision, De Jun. I’ll figure it out.”

De Jun turned his head and Yukhei could feel his breath fanning out on his shoulder. “Just making sure.”

Yukhei was probably going to die. They were both thinking it.

He slipped his hand in De Jun’s and squeezed. “Thank you for being my friend.”

De Jun’s eyes widened, hand going slack in Yukhei’s for a moment. But then that typical De Jun fire returned, and he squeezed back. “I’m honoured to have gotten to know you the way I did.”

Yukhei didn’t even realise his thumb had been rubbing circles into the back of De Jun’s hand.

Okay.

“I have to go,” Yukhei said, letting go. “You should head back into town and get packed.”

De Jun frowned. “I’m waiting right here till you get back.”

“De Jun, you could be waiting here forever—”

“It’s my job.” He nudged Yukhei gently towards the cave’s entrance. “Go on. Good luck!”

De Jun’s soft ‘good luck’ and the little smile on his face kept him company as he entered the cave. The change in temperature was almost instantaneous, but it was less a ‘who forgot to to turn on the hypocaust in the middle of winter?’ kind of cold _[_ _12_ _]_ and more a foreboding ‘you shouldn’t be here’ kind of cold. It was cheesy, but thoughts of De Jun kept him warm.

Yukhei thought avoiding the riff raff of the main entrance to the Underworld meant he would have it easier, but the place was still so _depressing_ . He wasn’t even _at_ the Fields of Asphodel yet, and he still felt an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, of waste and regret. _[_ _13_ _]_

He started thinking of all the things he never did until now, but probably should have. Sent his mother a pigeon. Hooked Yuqi up with one of his hotter friends. Told Mark not to kidnap the Amazon princess from Themyscira. Called De Jun something other than “friend”.

Just as he was feeling worse and worse, he heard a terrible wailing from the distance. Thousands upon thousands of souls crying for release, with exponentially more wishing their loved ones couldn’t leave them. Mostly it was a chorus of anguish, but every once in a while Yukhei could make out sentences — a mother lamenting how she had nothing to live for anymore, an old soul wondering whether he’d accomplished anything in his life at all.

Yukhei had accomplished plenty in his short life, but he felt his heart twist, anyway. What was the point of living so gloriously if all he had in store for him was an eternity of aimlessness?

This was the river Cocytus. De Jun had warned him about it, but he didn’t think it would hit him quite as hard as this.

Yukhei thought of De Jun again. It made the voices a little easier to bear.

(Though that was a whole other thing. Why did the Fates allow him to meet someone as wonderful as De Jun if he couldn’t spend the rest of his life with him? Would he even have him in death? All the souls crying out to him were so lonely, so lost; did they ever find their loved ones, wandering around in the Underworld?)

Remembering De Jun’s warning not to step into any of the waters in the Underworld, Yukhei tied his lion-hide cloak around his waist so they covered his feet and legs. Huh, there might have been something to this — the hide was uncomfortably restrictive, but did shield from the cold. Perhaps if he cut around the ankles… _[_ _14_ _]_

He stepped on his large shield and used the distribution of his weight to float across the river. The wailing was even louder and harder to ignore now that he was on it, and the entire time, Yukhei just felt like he was making a mistake.

This thing he was doing with his shield was kind of fun, though. Maybe if he tried it out on an actual sea, with waves and stuff. Something to try for the future.

If he had a future.

O, fuck.

The river had its own current, so he let it slowly take him towards the Acheron where the Underworld properly began. He’d probably have to float across that one, too, unless there was a boat, or—

“Wong Yukhei?”

Yukhei squinted into the distance to see a rickety boat headed his way. (Although he wasn’t sure what right he had to call the boat rickety when he was literally floating on his shield.) “Charon?”

“I heard you needed assistance. Do you have my fee?”

Yukhei grumbled under his breath, “Capitalism is a curse. Here, an olive from the garden of the King of Athens.”

“Impressive. Any regular olive would have been fine, but I suppose I’m not merely taking you across the river, am I?”

Yukhei accepted the ferryman’s help onto the boat, despite the flies living in his thick beard. “How did you know to find me?”

“The gods seem to be on your side. Hermes told me you might need a hand, so here I am. Oh, I’d leave the shield behind. It’s wet.”

Yukhei ditched the shield and settled into the dinghy, wrapping his cloak back around his shoulders. “Are you going to take me all the way to the court of Hades?”

“I can get you as close as the river gets, and that’s about it. The court is further inland.”

“Of course.”

Charon wasn’t chatty. Yukhei wasn’t sure how he was here, really, considering all the dead he had to cart around, but immortals were weird. Maybe the dead were just waiting at the entrance. Actually, Yukhei wouldn’t put it past Charon to just leave them there for a bit. He’d heard rumours. _[_ _15_ _]_

From the boat, Yukhei saw monsters and wandering souls. He even saw the hydra, which he’d slain so long ago. With De Jun’s help, so that whole shebang was useless.

Stupid snake.

Yukhei bitterly reminisced about the smell of the Lake Lerna when he heard yodelling. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” Charon asked, tilting his head. “The yodelling?”

The yodelling had turned into hoots. “And that.”

“The animalistic hooting? Why yes, it’s from that guy over there.”

The ominous Underworld mist was too heavy for him to see properly, but Yukhei thought he could make out a dark head of hair and a large, twisted tree-trunk of a seat. A squint into the fog, and the shapes became something more recognisable. “That’s my friend!”

“That’s nice.”

“No! That’s my friend, let me see him! Guanheng!” Yukhei roared, waving his arms in the air. “What’s up!”

Yukhei only received hoots in response, but Guanheng was kind of a weirdo, so that wasn’t out of place. Oh, it was nice to see his friend again!

“Is he dead?”

“He’s kind of loud for a dead person.”

Yukhei leapt out of the boat as soon as it hit the shore. The mist seemed to part as Yukhei moved closer to his friend, revealing the snakes wrapped around his limbs and torso, tying him to the chair.

He was trapped.

“Yo, what happened to you?” Yukhei took a quick glance over the chair. It looked foreign on closer inspection, like nothing Yukhei had seen before. Something was carved into the leg: ‘CHÅÏR ÔF FØRGĒTFÜLNÊSS’.

Ah, so it was Nordic. _[_ _16_ _]_

“Damn, ma,” Guanheng slurred, squinting at Yukhei’s face. “You have some big ass lips.”

Yukhei sucked his lips so they looked smaller. “You don’t know who I am, do you?”

“Nope!”

“Are you dead?”

“Don’t think so!”

Yukhei sighed. “Hey, Charon! Do you have any idea why he’s here?”

Charon scratched behind his ear, causing a shower of flaky, dry skin to fall onto the Acheron below him. “No idea, but I’m pretty sure he tricked me into taking him across the river.”

“Sounds like a Guanheng thing to do. Did he get on his knees and promise that he was definitely dead?”

“Yeah! And he offered to give me a blow job!”

“And he didn’t give you one, did he?”

“Nope. There’s usually a product description somewhere on the chair.”

“What do you think I would look like if I had long goldilocks like yours?” Guanheng murmured in wonder.

“You’d look beautiful, Guanheng.” Yukhei scanned for any other carved words, and found them at the base:

‘hello

this is GUÅNHËNG

he attempted to kidnap persephone’

“You attempted to kidnap _Persephone_?” Yukhei cried. He suddenly remembered Mark mentioning how Guanheng had gone stir crazy after losing his wife, but he didn’t remember the details while he was tripping. Why would Mark tell him anything important while he was tripping?

“Okay, well.” Yukhei bit his lip. “You’re my bro, so I’m going to get you out of here. Let me just—“ Yukhei attempted to pull one of the snakes away, but they only coiled tighter around Guanheng’s wrist. The ground began to shake enough that Yukhei fell flat on his ass.

“I feel like you maybe shouldn’t do that,” Charon said. Something in his voice told Yukhei he should listen.

“You fucked up, dude,” Yukhei sighed, patting the king of the Lapiths on the head. _[_ _17_ _]_ “I can’t help you here.”

“I need help?” Guanheng asked.

He didn’t need a goodbye in this state. He probably wouldn’t register it.

Yukhei sailed on. Charon dropped him not far from the entrance to Hades’ court, where the doors were wide open, as if Hades was waiting for him.

“Hello, nephew,” Hades greeted him cheerily. “I’m pleased you made it here in one piece.”

“I had help.” Yukhei got away with a quick bow because Hades was the coolest of his uncles. (Sorry, Poseidon.) “I’m pretty sure you know why I’m here.”

“I do.” Hades gestured to Persephone, sitting on her own throne by his side. “So does my wife, who your friend tried to kidnap from me.”

“Apologies, sis.”

Persephone shrugged. “You get kidnapped once and it’s just the same thing again, you know?”

“I hear ya!”

“So,” Hades cracked his brittle old-man knuckles. “You’re to bring Cerberus back to the land of the living.”

Yukhei nodded. “That I am. I realise you won’t be happy about it, though, so I thought I’d ask for your permission—”

Hades held a hand up. “Just take the dog.”

What. “What?”

“Take the dog! He’ll come back.”

“He’s very loyal,” Persephone added.

“He’s just a baby. You don’t even have to be forceful with him, just — he’s a dog! You’ve got that pig there, he loves pork—”

“Honey, we should get the barbecue going.”

“Oh, of course! You’re so smart, dear.”

“Thank you.”

“Hekate, will you fetch the chthonic grill and the chthonic meat skewers?”

One of Hekate’s heads — the youngest one — looked up from the dagger she was playing with. “Get it yourself.”

“You should listen to your elderly,” the oldest head said.

“Shut up, hag, you’re past your best before date! Also we’re all older than Hades, damn!” _[_ _18_ _]_

“I’ll get the barbecue going,” Thanatos sighed.

In record time, the souvlaki was ready. De Jun was definitely the best grocery shopper in the entire known world, because _damn_ , did that pig smell good. Yukhei suddenly understood why the gods got off on the smell of cooking meat — if the best meats smelt like this, he wouldn’t even have to eat it. Not that he could eat it anyway. Chthonic barbecue, and all.

Yukhei felt the ground shudder a little under his feet. Was someone trying to rescue Guanheng again?

“Oh no,” Persephone said, as if reading his mind. She probably could. “That’ll be Cerberus.”

Yukhei’s brain flipped inside out. “He’s that big?”

The ground shook much more, and sure enough, bounding in came a giant mutt with a shameless smile on all three of his faces, amphora loads of drool falling from his ugly jowls.

But his eyes… so shiny… so happy… so _cute_.

“ _Baby_ ,” Yukhei found himself cooing.

“Isn’t he adorable?”

“Just a little baby.”

“Look at him. What a happy boy. He loves new friends!”

“Sit,” Hades commanded.

Yukhei watched as the giant mongrel had to force his excited little butt and crazy wagging tail back down onto the ground. His legs fidgeted while he tried his very best not to get up.

“Good boy. Alright, Yukhei, you’re up.”

Yukhei whipped around. “I’m what?”

“Take one of the skewers and lead him away.”

“…That’s _it_? Then this whole thing is over.”

“Why are you so surprised?”

“But— that’s— I’m in the Underworld—”

“Cerberus is a good boy. A very good guard dog who just wants some love. And a treat.”

“Am I gonna get disqualified if I accept your help? Is that why it’s so easy?”

Persephone snorted. “You won’t get disqualified. We’re gods.”

“If Hera wants to disqualify this quest, then she’ll have to have a word with me, first.”

“We’re all fucking tired of Hera,” Hekate’s middle-aged head said.

Yukhei didn’t get it. This was his big quest into the land of the dead. His most life-threatening. Then why…?

“You’re still going to have to walk past all those anguished souls you did earlier and contemplate death for a little while,” Hades answered.

Phew. There it was.

* * * * *

Yukhei felt like shit by the time he’d led Cerberus back into the light of the living. It was like the dog sensed the negative energy and started to get pissy himself too, barking and growling for attention. Sometimes he was destructive, like when he ate someone’s lost dream. Fucked with a fury.

Dogs were too emotional. Yukhei would get himself a cat.

The sunlight was blinding. Yukhei could hardly believe he was alive — wasn’t even sure he wanted to _be_ alive — when he heard several voices around him. Wasn’t he done with voices?

“Is that Heracles? Did he just come out from the Underworld?”

“Did Wong Yukhei just lure Cerberus out of the Underworld with meat? That’s so cool!”

“I didn’t realise Wong Yukhei endorsed souvlaki.”

“Did he come out of the Underworld _alive_? Was he alive when he went in?”

“No one is doing it like this guy!”

Just so his eyes could adjust, Yukhei turned back towards the darkness of the cave’s mouth. He hurled the souvlaki spears up in the air. “Fetch!”

Cerberus’ heads grabbed all three mid-air, and he bounded back into the Underworld with remarkable speed.

Yukhei closed his eyes. That was that.

“Yukhei!”

The last voice had Yukhei’s eyes snap open. It was like a dream; De Jun running towards him, arms wide open to throw himself around Yukhei’s shoulders.

De Jun. In his arms. Willingly.

Holy Aphrodite.

“You’re alive,” De Jun breathed. He was practically cuddling into Yukhei’s chest, and the big man wanted to sink into the earth and be one with the soil. “You made it.”

“I still can’t believe I did.”

“You’ve been gone three weeks, I really thought—”

“Wait, three weeks?” Yukhei pulled away, but De Jun’s grip on his waist didn’t let him go too far. “I was hardly there for a few hours.”

“I’m not exaggerating. You were definitely gone long enough that word spread that you were missing.”

Time must have worked differently in death. Orpheus had apparently been gone a very long time, too.

De Jun’s words rang around his head. “You were waiting here for three weeks?”

The Oracle’s eyes widened, and his hands slipped away from Yukhei’s body. “Yeah. I told you I would.”

“…Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m just using you for clout. Look at all these people.”

Yukhei hid his smile behind his hands. “I hope one of them knows a great poet.”

“Well, actually—”

“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear it.”

De Jun grinned, unabashed. “Are you done, then?”

“I hope so. Hades said I’d be done.”

“I can’t believe you did that. I suddenly get the hype about heroes, now. I never understood it before, but coming out of the Underworld, alive, with _Cerberus_ —”

“He’s just a baby.”

“He’s a giant monster! That was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.”

Yukhei nudged De Jun’s shoulder. “Was I not cool before?”

He didn’t expect De Jun to respond with, “Plenty cool.” De Jun grinned. “But this was the coolest.”

It was going to be so fucking hard to say goodbye to him.

Someone interrupted them to ask Yukhei to paint his signature onto their shoulder in squid ink. Apparently he was going to get it permanently etched onto his skin at some spot near the Black Sea. Good for him. _[_ _19_ _]_

“You know what’s cooler?” Yukhei asked, after he’d collected his thoughts.

“What?”

“We get to go home.”

De Jun’s smile wavered. “Yeah?”

“You get to go back to your temple, and I can go back to whatever the fuck I was doing. Lesser hero work. The Games.”

His lips only curved at the ends, now, stretched out so his dimples were prominent. “Yeah. We’re done here.”

Why did Yukhei feel like he’d said something wrong?

* * * * *

8 Heracles’ 12th task was to bring Hades’ guard dog, Cerberus, into the land of the living. Underworld journeys were the most impressive feat a hero could complete and return from alive. These chapters usually dealt with themes of reconciliation with one’s mortality, and, at the same time, learning how one could transcend their material lifespan to become immortal. The Underworld was, in all its variations, an incredibly depressing place.

The Eleusinian Mysteries were a famous Athenian cult that had roots in Mycenaean Greece. Very little was known about the cult, since members weren’t allowed to talk about it, and those that did received severe punishments and their accounts were erased from history. From the very little that we’ve heard, we can deduce that the mysteries were supposed to give its faded as fuck revellers a glimpse into the Underworld, and teach them how to prepare for death if it came. Kind of like an ancient version of life insurance, if life insurance was a party.

That marks the end of all of Heracles’ labours!

Footnotes:

  1. Eleusis was a short way away from Athens.
  2. Kykeon was a peasant’s drink that varied in ingredients. Sometimes it was barley, sometimes it was wine and grated cheese. It was said to have strong digestive properties.
  3. This is how many scholars interpret what little Plato had to say about the mysteries.
  4. The kykeon served at the mysteries were spiked with psychedelics. There were many naturally occurring psychedelics that were used with many religious rituals during the Bronze Age.
  5. As stated earlier, Athenians liked to believe they were better than every other Greek city state.
  6. Pederasty was an unquestioned part of social culture by Classical Greece. It manifested differently in various city states but boiled down to an older man having an intellectual, romantic, and sometimes sexual relationship with a younger consenting male. The younger male, who was receiving knowledge, was traditionally the bottom; the older male, who was passing knowledge, was traditionally the top. Things were not so rigid in practice.
  7. Heracles does not have any remaining epic poetry written about him.
  8. The god Dionysus was born as a demigod. Zeus was particularly in love with his mother, Semele, but Hera tricked him into appearing before her in his full godly form, incinerating her. He recovered Dionysus’ unborn body and sewed the fetus into his thigh, and birthed him himself. Dionysus had godly powers from the start, and many of his myths revolve around proving himself as a god. His trip to the Underworld was a way of proving his immortality, and his godly right to travel to and from it.
  9. Hera’s been messing with Heracles’ life from conception. Heracles was meant to be the King of both Mycenae and Tiryns thanks to inheritance lines on both his ends, but Hera made Zeus swear that the next member born to the House of Perseus would become the king instead. Hera delayed Heracles’ birth so Eurystheus would be born instead.
  10. Orpheus went to the Underworld after the death of his wife Eurydice, because he was so in love with her that he wanted to bring her back. His instructions were that she would return, as long as Orpheus found his way back to the living without turning around to make sure she was following. He looked back right as he made it to the cave’s entrance, and he caught the smallest glimpse of her before she disappeared forever. He was forced to live out the rest of his life without her.
  11. This is a reference to Greeks getting buried with a coin under their tongue, that we know through literary evidence was payment for the ferryman Charon, who carries the dead across the waters of the Acheron and the Styx. This practice only popped up in the late Archaic period; no skeletons have been found with coins prior to that. The practice was almost definitely not a thing during the Mycenaean era, but I’ve included an olive under the tongue as homage.
  12. Hypocausts are an ancient underground central heating system that heated floors. It was perfected and most effectively applied by the Romans, but there is evidence of a hypocaustic heating system in Minoan palaces as well. Mycenaeans may or may not have used this same system; if they did, we can assume it was also restricted to palaces and other important buildings.
  13. The main entrance of the Underworld, as narrated in Virgil’s _Aeneid_ , is greeted by many minor gods who were personifications of things like various diseases (Nosoi), old age (Geras), hunger (Limos), anxieties (Curae), and agony (Algea). Beyond them lay the threat of many beasts that the dead have to pass in order to get to Charon, who waits for them at the banks of the River Styx. The Oneiroi — personification of false dreams and unfulfilled hopes — rest on trees on the way there. Similar descriptions of the entrance to the dead exist in other literary works too — the basic idea is that the dead have to relive their worst moments before going into the Underworld to be judged.
  14. No one wore pants in any period of Ancient Greece. In fact, Classical Greeks considered wearing pants to be the behaviour of savages, though this was probably anti-Persian propoganda spread during the Persian war between 492-449 BCE.
  15. Charon would often leave behind souls whose burial rites hadn’t been properly conducted, or those who didn’t have a fee.
  16. At the same time as the Mycenaeans, Scandinavian countries experienced the Nordic Bronze Age. There’s evidence of strong trade ties between the two regions, as well as shared artistic influence.
  17. Guanheng here replaces Pirithous, one of Theseus’ good friends. The version involving him usually has Theseus also helping him kidnap Persephone; Heracles successfully frees Theseus from his chair (or rock), although leaves part of his thighs behind. This is apparently why Athenians have such smooth thighs. (I cannot make this up. I wish I could make this up.) Pirithous couldn’t be freed because he wanted to fuck Persephone real bad, and that was sacrilegeous. He was still honoured at Athenian festivals, though.
  18. Hekate’s most famous form had three heads or bodies, each representing various stages of womanhood — the maiden, the mother, and the crone. Sometimes this form was three whole women that formed one person. She was a part of Hades’ court in the Underworld.
  19. Tattoos have been found etched onto various ancient corpses throughout the ages. Those found on Scythian corpses around the Black Sea are particularly vivid, partially due to the detail of the tattoo work itself but also the unique way in which the bodies happened to be preserved.




	8. VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moral of the story.

The blue sea was just the blue sea after a while. White foam blended into blue expanse to make light blue. The light of the sun shining onto the water was still tinged, blue, because the sea was blue. Da ba dee, da ba die.

A poem by Wong Yukhei.

“Is he okay?” he heard a voice, probably Polyphemus _[_ _1_ _]_ , speak into his conscience. One of many interruptions to his retrospective on this cursed ship full of far too many children. And Asclepius. Who invited that dick to a boat show? What could he even _do_ , heal people?

Okay, that one was useful. Yukhei was petty, but he was still reasonable. Ish. Asclepius was still a dick, though. 

Yukhei only took up Zhong Chenle’s offer to capture the Golden Fleece because he had nothing to do. Yes, the sponsorship deals and financial opportunities had been endless once word spread that Yukhei had entered the Underworld and come out of it alive, carrying the mighty Cerberus on his back. Yukhei definitely did not do that last one, but whatever brought in the precious Phoenician gemstones! _[_ _2_ _]_

But then that was over, and he was bored. There was only so much he could do hanging around in Thebes. Things were going pretty smoothly considering most of the incest criminals were dead, so he had nothing to fight, and nowhere to go.

He’d been on the road for years, wishing he could just go home. But now that everything was over, he felt like he was missing something.

So when Zhong Chenle showed up offering him a ridiculous amount of money to travel to Colchis, Yukhei didn’t turn him down. Chenle wasn’t a demigod or anything, so Yukhei was quite confused as to how he’d managed to headline an entire epic journey. He supposed he was rich, but it was still weird. _[_ _3_ _]_

So he travelled, thinking it would make him feel alive again. But all he felt was an empty expanse where his heart should have been, empty as the blue sea. Da ba dee, da ba die.

A familiar grip shook his shoulder back into the mortal plane. “Hey, bro.”

Yukhei blinked at Mark tiredly. “Hey.”

“You okay?”

“I’ll live.”

“You’ll live, bro, but will you _live_?”

No. He wouldn’t.

“Can I give you a word of advice?”

“Your advice is terrible, Mark.”

“Yeah, but I’m going to give it anyway.” Mark squeezed his shoulder. “You’re totally ruining the vibe of this boat. You need to get off of it and go get your man.”

Yukhei’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. “I don’t _have_ a man.”

“Of course you do! De Jun totally liked you.”

“De Jun took a vow of chastity.”

“You don’t have to have sex! Just hold hands and get your mugs painted onto a pot.”

“He’s married to the gods.”

“I don’t think the gods would mind sharing.”

“Mark,” Yukhei sighed. “Drop it.”

“Listen.” Mark’s tiny hands grasped Yukhei’s bare knee. “I’m only telling you this because I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. I forgot my first girlfriend on an island and lost her forever —”

“That was 100% your fault.”

“—And Yerim and I were on a break, but now she’s dipped except for a clay tablet she sent me telling me she was pregnant and not to find her, and also I’ve just received a declaration of war from the Amazons, so—” _[_ _4_ _]_

“Shouldn’t you go back?”

Mark flushed red. “I’m about to! I’m waiting to be picked up.”

“You want me to come with you.”

“Yeah. But just for the part over the sea! Please don’t fight my battles for me, I don’t want to end up roaming the Fields of Asphodel.” _[_ _5_ _]_

Yukhei laughed, dry and breathy. “When you put it that way, how can I say no?”

“C’mon, this is for your sake just as much as mine.”

“Is it?”

“You need to talk to him.”

There was a difference when Mark said something straight from his heart _and_ his head. His voice got lower, more powerful. 

And then another voice called out in his head: “Son?” 

Thoughts of the vast blue sea dissipated suddenly. “Dad?” 

A few of the Argonauts looked up, and then looked away. Most of them on board were demigods, and knew a godly parent call when they saw one. #JustDemigodThings. 

“Yukhei, love, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with my brother’s son. You need to get laid. By one man specifically.” 

“But dad, I can’t,” Yukhei whined, close-mouthed so no one around him would understand. “It’s literally impossible, he’s a sworn virgin.”

“I spend all my life fucking things I shouldn’t! If I can do it, so can you.” 

“With all due respect, dad, that’s not good advice.”

“Why, just the other day I saw a beautiful woman and thought, ‘She deserves a good swan.’ So I turned into a swan.” 

“I don’t see how that’s helpful. Besides,” Yukhei lowered his voice to a whisper, “It’s not just about sex? I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Share a burial mound.” 

“Hm. I don’t know how that feels,” Zeus admitted. “But I do hate to see you miserable, and you’re clearly miserable without him. I don’t like to see you miserable.” He paused. “I’m trying to think if there’s anyone I know that I’d be miserable without. I don’t think there is.” 

“I don’t want to get him in trouble, dad.” 

“Son, there are some things in life you’ll have to find out yourself. But I promise you, if you do this, you will not be disappointed.”

Maybe it was something in Zeus’ voice, or maybe it was because he was the goddest of gods, but Yukhei couldn’t help but trust him. “Okay. I’ll try my best.”

* * * * *

Yukhei felt just as naked, walking up the steps to the Temple of Apollo at Orchomenus, as he did the first time around. Even though he wasn’t actually naked. He made a point to go buy a cloak this time! It was red and blue, but from a distance it looked purple, so he stood right out of the crowd.

Which was exactly what he wanted, in case De Jun happened to be roaming around the temple grounds. He wouldn’t be, of course — that wasn’t his job — but just in case. A hero always had to expect the unexpected.

Erginus’ wife, who was kind enough to lend him a bed while the man was away with the Argonauts _[_ _5_ _]_ — no, not in _that_ way, she was in the woman’s quarters and he was on the floor in Erginus’ room — poured libations to Apollo in the morning after she listened to his story. She gushed, tearily, about how love was a curse and brought nothing but suffering to whoever felt it. Yukhei didn’t want to delve into what was going on there. He had his own problems, anyway, and she wasn’t being very uplifting. Sure, the libations appeased Apollo, but she should appease him too! He’s sad and lonely!

Anyway, there was no way Apollo would let De Jun off. Sworn virgins remained sworn virgins for life. _[_ _6_ _]_

There was no one at the temple this time. Yukhei supposed he’d have to wait till a priest walked past, because he didn’t think he could just let himself into back again. He considered sitting by the hearth until someone came along. Would that be weird? Perhaps he could call out, or something.

“Wong Yukhei?”

Fucking deja vu, innit? “Did you know I was coming?”

The priestess, different to the one that had greeted him years ago, raised an eyebrow. “No. But I recognise you from the vases the army keeps sending its taxes in.” _[_ _7_ _]_

“Ah.” Deja vu cancelled.

“Did you want to speak with the god?”

Yukhei straightened up. “No. Um, I’m actually here to see a priest. Xiao De Jun? He’s the Oracle’s apprentice, although I’m not sure if he got promoted—”

“De Jun?” the priestess sounded confused. “He doesn’t work here anymore.”

“Wait what?”

“He hasn’t in a year. He was gone a long time before that. Wasn’t he travelling with you? He didn’t say anything?”

“No.” De Jun hadn’t told him a damn thing. “You can just do that? Quit?”

“You’d have to ask the Lord’s permission, but he’s very forgiving. If a priest feels they cannot commit to the role, then he’d much rather they focused their talents elsewhere.”

“Did De Jun say why he quit?”

The priestess gave him a sorry smile. “I’m afraid we weren’t close.”

It didn’t make sense. De Jun had always talked up doing his duty, so why would he quit? Had Yukhei read him wrong?

“I can show you where he lives.”

“Yes, please,” Yukhei nodded.

The priestess lead him out to the front of the temple, from where they could see the main road stretching all the way down from the citadel towards the gates. Large houses turned into smaller houses and hovels, the close they got to the gates.

The priestess didn’t point there, though.

“You see that big building east of the tholos? With the large pillars?”

“Isn’t that… the palace?”

“Yeah! That’s his address.”

“…Why does he live in the palace?”

“Princes live in the palace, do they not?”

Hold up.

De Jun was a _prince_?

Yukhei practically ran all the way to the palace, the idea of De Jun being a prince alone enough to get his body moving. De Jun had given no indication that he was of royal blood. Mark hadn’t pointed it out either, and Mark knew, like, everybody. None of the kings they’d bumped into on their journey seemed to recognise De Jun.

He must have had a lot of older siblings. You usually never heard about the people that are fifth in line. Actually, the youngest royals had a tendency to go into holy work, and De Jun did have the gift of prophecy. It wasn’t unheard of.

A visit to the palace confirmed De Jun wasn’t there, either.

“My son has been training as a priest since he was very young,” King Zhou Mi explained. “He never liked palace life, especially not after he came back. He’s just moved to a farm in Sardinia. I believe he’s starting his own apothecary and medical practice? He said he’s growing everything himself. No slaves! I can’t imagine he’d get much done on his own—”

A _farm in Sardinia_ ? _[_ _8]_

* * * * *

De Jun’s farmhouse was modest. It wasn’t a hovel, by any means, but it was just big enough for a small family of five, maybe eight if they really tried. Larkspur and laurel grew so tall around the building, it almost hid it from view. It was exactly the kind of simple that Yukhei had secretly wanted for himself but was too afraid to admit to anyone. In fact, he distinctly remembered De Jun judging him for bringing it up.

There was no smoke coming from the house, which meant no one was home. Yukhei was damn near ready to collapse from searching, when he heard exactly the voice he wanted to hear.

“Yukhei? What are you doing here?”

Yukhei pirouetted around wildly to find De Jun rounding the corner, pulling a plough behind him. His arms bulged from the effort.

He looked good. So good. He always looked good, but after a year apart, he looked especially good.

“It took me so long to find you,” Yukhei said, taking a step forward, “First I went to the temple, then the palace—”

“You were looking for me?” De Jun’s stiff stance was almost a warning not to come closer. Yukhei stopped in his tracks.

“Yeah. You’re a prince?”

De Jun blinked. Man, did Yukhei miss him blinking. “Technically. I’m the King’s seventh son, so I don’t feel like much of a prince.”

“Is that why you moved to a farm? I thought you thought farms were boring.”

His face flushed red, sending ripples right through Yukhei’s body. “They are, but I didn’t know what else to do, so…”

“Why’d you quit the temple?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“It’s been a while. A lot seems to have happened with you.”

“I…” De Jun took a deep breath. (He was so good at breathing!) “There’s no point in an oath of chastity if you’re in love, is there? Didn’t want to be a hypocrite.”

Oh.

So De Jun had found someone.

A ha.

Yukhei picked his heart up from the floor and steeled himself for battle. He’d cry later. “How wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Are they here now? Do they live here?”

De Jun held back a smile — did he not know that Yukhei could tell when he did that? They’d travelled together long enough. Maybe he was trying not to smile to save his feelings, but he could _tell_! It was just mocking him at this point! Especially since he only used that expression when Yukhei was being dumb! Wait.

“No, he doesn’t live with me,” De Jun said slowly. “Last I heard, he was one of the Argonauts.”

The dots.

“But there’s a rumour he’s no longer travelling with them.”

He had connected them. “Mark.”

“No, you moron. It’s you.”

“I was just bracing myself for the worst possible scenario!” Yukhei was impressed with himself, how quickly he was pulling shit out of his ass. “There’s so many options, people come and go from the Argos all the time because there’s way too many people on that ship—”

“Shut up.” De Jun was suddenly right in front of him, plough replaced with Yukhei’s hands. He could barely feel them, what with the happy tingles running all over his body. “Won’t you say it back?”

“Say what back?”

“That you love me.”

“Oh yes,” Yukhei nodded dumbly. “I love you. Hang on, how did you—”

“You read like a public record _[_ _8_ _]_.” De Jun’s grip moved up to his wrist. “I’ve known from the beginning. Also, remember that time our host in Thrace — Jeno or something — complimented my jawline and you said it looked disfigured—”

“I have spent every minute since full of regret.”

“Well, your left pec kept bouncing that time, and I noticed it does that when you lie.”

Yukhei threw his head to the skies. “My body is so _cursed_.”

“Don’t say that.” De Jun pinched his chin and pulled it down so they were face-to-face again. “You might actually get cursed.”

“Is that a threat?”

De Jun placed a quick peck on his lips. “You’re so pretty when you don’t open your mouth and say dumb shit.”

Yukhei felt his entire body try to shake its way back to the Underworld. “Can you do that again?”

“Insult you?”

“Yes, actually. But also kiss me.”

De Jun did both. De Jun continued to do both even after Yukhei commented on how desperate the former Oracle must have been to bone him if he gave up his cushy temple life for _this_. He’d smacked him, too, which was another thing Yukhei wanted.

Later, when anyone would ask how he managed to live so peacefully after a life of adventure, Yukhei would tell them to go east and eat rice.

“It’ll change your whole world view,” he’d tell a young Homer when he was well into his old age. “Be your best Barbarian self.”

“He’s crazy,” he’d hear De Jun whisper as he ushered Homer away. “Don’t listen to anything he says. Go to Ithaca and write about Odysseus instead, he’s all the rage nowadays.”

“Pomegranate!” Yukhei would whine. “Don’t be like that.”

Till then, the De Jun of now lifted his head off of Yukhei’s chest. “I can actually see the future. You’ll be dead before Homer writes anything.”

A man could dream.

* * * * *

One of Heracles’ post-labour adventures was travelling with Jason and the Argonauts for a short spell. In almost every retelling of the story, he leaves quite early in the journey.

Unfortunately, Heracles does not live as wonderful a life as Yukhei does. He goes on a couple of killing sprees for which he has to do penance, rescues Prometheus, sacks Troy before the Trojan War is even a question, pisses off a centaur and gets killed by his new wife by accident. Yukhei, on the other hand, lives a adventurous but fulfilling life with his new husband.

Footnotes:

  1. Polyphemus was referred to by Nestor in _The Iliad_ as one of the great heroes of old. Audiences of _The Iliad_ back in the Iron Age would have known of Polyphemus instantly, but we have no surviving literature of him. All we know is that he tussled with a centaur.
  2. The Phoenicians were famous for their carnelian.
  3. Jason was unique in that he didn’t have a godly parent, and both his parents were mortal. His closest godly relative was Hermes, his great-grandfather, but that wasn’t enough to claim any kind of godly power himself. Jason presented a different kind of hero for the Greek man.
  4. Theseus’ own son with an Amazon queen grew into Hippolytus, who shunned all romantic and sexual love to become a priest of Artemis. This made Aphrodite very, very angry. 
  5. By engaging in war with the Amazons, Mark is defending his honour. He could had asked Yukhei for assistance, but as he was the one who instigate trouble, it would be considered dishonourable.
  6. Erginus a son of Poseidon, and another member of the Argonauts. He was sometimes confused with a former King of Orchomenus with the same name.
  7. The chastity requirements of oracles changed over time for practical reasons. It is possible that oracular priestesses were at first required to be virgins for life — this would have been during the Mycenaean period, when the earliest references to oraclular activity was found in the region. By the Archaic period, though, oracles were usually sourced from wealthy families and operated until they were old enough to marry. In 217 BCE — the Hellenistic period — one of the young, virgin women serving as an Oracle of Delphi was kidnapped and violated. After that, the Pythia became an older woman who was dressed to look young. There were usually several women serving as the Oracle Delphi at any given time, but this was only due to the temple’s popularity. This may not have been true for other oracles.
  8. In Archaic Greece and onwards, temples usually had a share of whatever trade and military activity was happening in its city. It’s possible the same occurred for Mycenaean temples as well, although that share of profits — usually resources — would have been regulated through a city-state’s central administration.
  9. Heracles is said to have founded a Greek colony in Sardinia and sent his sons there to live, along with his faithful charioteer and lover, Ioalus.
  10. While most Mycenaean literature was administrative, there’s no way of knowing whether these records were publicly available or not. Most cultures at the time had huge steles on which they carved the laws of the city, erected in public so everyone could read, but no such thing was found in any Mycenaean city-state. It is highly likely, though, that the Mycenaeans had their own publicly available law code or record.




End file.
